Doctor WhoThe Musical season 2
by ACleverName
Summary: My attempt to break as many copyrights as possible in one piece of parody writing. Subscribes to the Forbidden Broadwaytype parody of musicals. There will be errors in continuity please point them out and I will fix them. On with the show.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue. The Christmas Invasion. (_Company/Phantom of the Opera/Sunset Boulevard_)

_As the Overture__1__ plays, _**THE TARDIS **_spins onto stage as a bewildered _**MICKEY **and** JACKIE **_look on. It lands and out comes _**THE DOCTOR.**

**THE DOCTOR. **Jackie! Mickey! Blimey! There was something important I was going to tell you! What was it? Oh, yes: Merry Christmas! (_collapses_)

**JACKIE. **Ooo was that?

**MICKEY. **Dunno. Looked like David Tennant to me.

**ROSE **_steps out of _**THE TARDIS **_and looks at _**THE DOCTOR. JACKIE **_grabs _**ROSE **_and tries to drag her off._

_Song. _**YOU COULD DRIVE A PERSON CRAZY **(Sondheim)

**JACKIE. **(_to _**ROSE**) YOU COULD DRIVE A PERSON CRAZY—

**ROSE. **(_to _**THE DOCTOR**) YOU COULD DRIVE A PERSON MAD—

**MICKEY. **DOO DOO DOO DOO DO!

_Everyone looks at _**MICKEY **_strangely._ **ROSE **_tries to pick up _**THE DOCTOR **_and drag him with her as _**JACKIE **_drags her along._

**JACKIE. **(_to _**ROSE, **_indicating her phone_) DID YOU HAVE TO BE SO LAZY—

**ROSE. **(_to _**THE DOCTOR**) DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME SAD?

**MICKEY. **DOO DOO DOO DOO DO!

**JACKIE. **_(to _**ROSE) **THEN YOU LEAVE A PERSON DANGLING SADLY

INSIDE YOUR FLAT—

**ROSE. **(_to _**THE DOCTOR**) WHICH IT ONLY MAKES A PERSON PUZZLED, NOW YOU'VE TURNED TO _THAT_!

**MICKEY. **BOO BOO BOO BOO!

**JACKIE/ ROSE. **BUT WORSE 'N THAT—

A PERSON THAT—

INFURIATES/TITILLATES A PERSON

AND THEN LEAVES HER FLAT

IS CRAZY,

S/HE'S A TROUBLED PERSON,

S/HE'S A TRULY CRAZY PERSON HER/HIMSELF!

_In the Tyler flat. _**ROSE **_has managed to drag _**THE DOCTOR **_inside._

**JACKIE. **So that's the Doctor? (_a beat_) Clothes are a little big, aren't they?

**ROSE. **Well, you got any men's clothes lying around?

**JACKIE. **In fact I do.

**MICKEY. **CoughcoughahemHowardcoughcough.

**ROSE. **What was that?

**MICKEY. **Nuttin.' I said, pajamas?

**ROSE. **Good idea! _I'll _put them on!

_She grabs them from _**JACKIE **_and drags _**THE DOCTOR **_into the bedroom. She slams the doors shut and we hear a lot noise, like stuff being thrown around, things clanging, etc. She comes out, looking exhausted._

**ROSE. **(_changing the subject_) So, Mum, that's a dead-ugly lookin' Christmas tree you got.

**JACKIE. **Oh, thanks. Just appeared, innit.

**MICKEY. **If by _appeared _you mean you got it from Tesco.

_At some super special location, _**HARRIET JONES **_thrusts her credentials at _**DAI JONES ELI JENKINS EVANS LLEWELLYN.**

**HARRIET. **Harriet Jones, Prime Minister!

**LLEWELLYN. **I know who you are.

**HARRIET. **Harriet Jones, Prime Minister!

**LLEWELLYN. **I said I know who you are.

**HARRIET. **But the viewers might not remember me! _(shouts at every passerby_) Harriet Jones, Prime Minister! Harriet Jones, Prime Minister!

**LLEWELLYN. **All right already! Even _they _know who you are!

**HARRIET. **Who they?

**MICKEY **_and _**ROSE **_hold hands as they walk around Cardiff in the summer made to look like London at Christmastime. There is a brass band of Santas playing._

**ROSE. **Loan me a hundred quid. I wanna do some Crimbo shoppin'.

**MICKEY. **I don't _have _a hundred quid.

**ROSE. **Make it two hundred. I have something special in mind for the Doctor.

**MICKEY. **The Doctor this, the Doctor that. Can't we talk about somefink else for awhile?

**ROSE. **Like the two hundred quid you're gonna loan me?

**MICKEY. **WHEN A PERSON'S PERSONALITY IS PERSONABLE

SHE SHOULDN'T KEEP ON ACTIN' LIKE THIS--

**ROSE. **LOOK OUT, MICKEY, THAT SANTA'S SHOOTIN' UP A FIREBALL—

DUCK, I DON'T THINK HE WILL MISS!

**MICKEY **_and _**ROSE **_duck as Santas start shooting flames at them. Shoppers scream in panic._

**MICKEY. **ROSE, I THINK WE SHOULD SCRAM BEFORE THE ELVES ATTACK US!

**ROSE. **GOOD IDEA—WE SHOULD TRY TO GET HOME.

**MICKEY. **I WONDER WHO THEY'LL GET TO PAY FOR ALL THIS . . .

**ROSE. **WHERE'S MY MOBILE? MUM, PICK UP THE PHONE!

**MICKEY **_and _**ROSE **_pile into a taxi. They get home. _**JACKIE **_is on the phone._

**JACKIE. **_(to the phone) _Oh yeah, it's just me worthless daughter and her worthless boyfriend and her worthless alien paedophile mate . . . (_notices them_) Hiya, home for tea? _(in response to _**ROSE's **_look)_

I COULD UNDERSTAND A PERSON

IF HE WASN'T GOOD IN BED _(indicates _**MICKEY)**

**ROSE. **DOO DOO DOO DOO—

**MICKEY. **_DO_.

**JACKIE. **I COULD UNDERSTAND A PERSON

IF HE ACTUALLY WAS DEAD! (_indicates_**THE DOCTOR**)

**PERSON ON THE PHONE. **DOO DOO DOO DOO DO!

**ROSE **_flings herself onto the bed next to _**THE DOCTOR.**

**ROSE. **KNOCK KNOCK!

IS ANYBODY THERE?

KNOCK KNOCK!

**MICKEY. **IT REALLY ISN'T FAIR . . . (_indicates _**ROSE**)

**ROSE. **KNOCK KNOCK!

**MICKEY. **I'M WORKIN' ALL MY CHARMS . . .

**ROSE. **KNOCK KNOCK! (_throws herself onto _**THE DOCTOR) **

A ZOMBIE'S IN MY ARMS!

**JACKIE **_screams and runs into the room. The ugly Christmas tree is following her, cutting things to bits. _**MICKEY **_starts throwing precious family heirlooms at it. _**JACKIE **_screams louder._

**MICKEY. **I told ya not to accept dodgy Tesco Christmas trees!

**JACKIE. **Aw, but they were on sale with the insurance! We have to get out of here!

**ROSE. **I can't leave the Doctor! Maybe if I stick my tongue in his ear . . .

**THE DOCTOR **_sits up and blasts the Christmas tree to smithereens with his sonic screwdriver, which will get several of its own jokes later._

**ROSE. **Wow! (_sticks her tongue in _**MICKEY**'_s ear. He squeals like a girl. They follow _**THE DOCTOR **_out of the room. He goes outside to look at the waiting Santas who beam away. He feels around in his pockets._)

**THE DOCTOR. **LOTSA FRUIT,

POCKETS'A FRUIT—

ANYONE THINK IT'S JUST A LITTLE CONVOLUTE?

**EVERYONE. **YOU'RE CRAZY,

IT'S A VITAL PLOT POINT!

**ROSE. **YOU'RE A DEEPLY MALADJUSTED—

**THE DOCTOR. **I need—

**JACKIE. **NEVER TO BE TRUSTED—

**THE DOCTOR. **I need—

**EVERYONE. **CRAZY PERSON YOURSELF!

**THE DOCTOR. **Shut up!!! Aagh! (_Burps. Collapses._)

**MICKEY **(to **ROSE**). Do that again?

_She looks at him. Flings herself into his arms._

_Back at the undisclosed government super secret base, _**HARRIET **_stares up at a giant screen._

**HARRIET. **I said, who they?

**SYCORAX **_appear on the screen. Begin singing, but their language is gobbledy-gook. Supertitles appear translating their song._

_Song. _**SYCORAX (MASQUERADE) **(Lloyd Webber/Stilgoe/Hart)

**SYCORAX. **SYCORAX!

WE ARE THE SCARY SYCORAX!

SYCORAX!

WE WILL BEND YOU TO OUR WILL—THEN—

SYCORAX!

WE ARE BADDIES TO THE MAX!

SYCORAX!

GIVE UP OR WE WILL KILL THEM!

**HARRIET. **Who them?

**POSSESSED PEOPLE **_with blue halos begin leaving the room. TV monitors show them leaving every room in the entire world._

**POSSESSED PEOPLE. **TO THE ROOF! TO THE ROOF!

LET US END THIS SILLY SPOOF!

WE'VE GONE BARMY, YOU CAN SEE

WITH THIS SONG'S MONOTONY!

**POSSESSED PEOPLE'S RELATIVES. **BUT WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

(_variously)_ EMILY! DEAR OLD GRAN!

SIMON, PLEASE! UNCLE DAN!

STOP! WHAT IS GOING ON?

PLEASE PUT SOME TROUSERS ON!

**LLEWELLYN. **OH MY GOD I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!

SYCORAX!

THEY'VE STOPPED US IN OUR TRACKS!

SYCORAX!

I SENT DATA INTO SPACE—

SYCORAX—

I'M AFRAID WE'RE OVERTAXED . . .

(SYCORAX)

FOR YOU SEE, THEY HAVE GOT THE ACE.

_Everyone gathers around him, waiting for him to explain._

**LLEWELLYN. **WHAT A PLOT! WHAT A CHEEK!

WHY, I CAN HARDLY SPEAK!

THEY'VE GOT POWER OVER BLOOD (_shows them a photo of the blood he sent into space_)

AND IF NOT STOPPED, THEN THEY SHOULD—

**HARRIET. **(AND HERE WE STAND AGHAST!)

**LLEWELLYN. **THEY'LL KILL

ABOUT A THIRD OF US

AND THE ROYALS TOO

**HARRIET. **(WELL, THIS'LL BE A BLAST!)

**LLEWELLYN. **THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO,

SAVE GET A FILMING CREW

AND PUT IT ON TV,

FOR EVERYONE TO SEE—

**HARRIET. **(_marches up to him_)WELL, NOW _YOU'VE _GOT THE AXE,

BEFORE THE SYCORAX!

**LLEWELLYN. **Well, I'm the expendable Welshman. I expected that.

**HARRIET **(_on _TV _in the Tylers' flat_). I'M CALLING YOU,

I'M CALLING YOU, DOCTOR—

YOU CAN DO THE TRICK!

GREAT BRITAIN,

GREAT BRITAIN NEEDS YOU—

HURRY UP, YOU PRICK!

I'M DESPERATE HERE,

YOU SEE, IT'S MY WORST FEAR—

I NEVER DID THIS IN FLYDALE NORTH—

**ROSE. **MICKEY, WE'VE GOT TO HELP THEM!

**MICKEY. **OKAY, ROSE, BUT—

**ROSE **(_to _**JACKIE**). SEE YOU LATER!

ROSE TYLER'S GOING FORTH!

**ROSE, **_dragging _**THE DOCTOR, **_and _**MICKEY **_get into _**THE TARDIS. **_They step out on the _**SYCORAX **_planet. They see _**HARRIET **_there as well as two charred corpses, one in the shape of a red dragon. _The **SYCORAX LEADER **_growls at them._

**SYCORAX LEADER. **SYCORAX!

I'M THE NASTY SYCORAX!

SYCORAX!

I'M THE LEADER AND I'M SCARY!

**ROSE. **SYCORAX!

I'M ROSE TYLER, WATCH YOUR BACKS—

SYCORAX!

I'M A BLONDE BOMBSHELL; BE WARY!

SYCORAX!

YOU'D BETTER STOP WITH THESE ATTACKS,

SYCORAX—

I'M RUNNING OUT OF—

**THE TARDIS **_doors open, and _**THE DOCTOR **_appears. Everyone gasps._

**THE DOCTOR. **WHY SO SILENT, EVERYONE?

HAD YOU GIVEN ME UP FOR DEAD?

LIKE MY PJS, EVERYONE?

HEY, DOES SOMEONE HAVE A MIRROR?

**HARRIET **_hands him a mirror._ _He looks at himself for awhile._

**THE DOCTOR. **HMM, THE EARS ARE IMPROVED,

THOUGH I WAS HOPING FOR GINGER.

I'M JUST STARTING MY HEROICS,

AND DEMONSTRATING FINESSE.

THOUGH IT SEEMS I'M LOOKING YOUNGER,

I SHOULD PROBABLY CONFESS—

**SYCORAX LEADER. **Who are you?!

**THE DOCTOR. **Haven't you watched this show before? I DON'T KNOW!!!! Hence the fact I haven't got a name.

**ROSE. **He has a point there.

**THE DOCTOR. **Hey, Rose, do you think I'm sexy?

**ROSE. **What?!

**THE DOCTOR. **Thought I'd see if you were still awake.

--I'M STILL BAD-ASS—_(to _the **SYCORAX **LEADER) DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT??!

**ROSE. **_(hands him a sword) _Doctor . . . what are you going to do?

**THE DOCTOR. **I'll explain later.

_They fight._

**ROSE. **For what it's worth—Doctor—I do—think . . . you're sexy. _He turns around._

**THE DOCTOR. **Eh, what?

**ROSE. **Doctor, look out!

The **SYCORAX LEADER **_chops off _**THE DOCTOR**'s _hand. Everyone gasps._

**THE DOCTOR. **Nah, don't worry about it. It'll give my favourite buccaneer something to be morbidly fixated about.

_They fight some more. _**THE DOCTOR **_defeats _**THE SYCORAX LEADER, **_hits him a couple times over the head with oranges, apples, grapefruits, etc., 'til he falls into a chasm._

**HARRIET. **Thank you for saving my life, Doctor, and the Earth, all that.

**THE DOCTOR. **Well, we go way back. (_hugs her_)

**HARRIET. **But I liked you a lot better when you were Northern. You were brooding, you were tortured, and you wore leather.

**THE DOCTOR. **_(stung) _Sorry.

**HARRIET. **In light of these . . . irreconcilable differences, I'm going to blow up the Sycorax.

**THE DOCTOR. **HUH?!

_Explosion. _

_At the Tylers' flat, _**JACKIE **_steals _**MR BEAN**_'s turkey and prepares it while _**THE DOCTOR **_rummages through his closet. _**MICKEY **_begs _**ROSE **_to stick her tongue in his ear. They settle for opening crackers at the table. _**THE DOCTOR **_arrives and opens a cracker._

_Song. _**THE PERFECT YEAR **(Lloyd Webber/Black)

**ROSE. **IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE

AND HOPES ARE HIGH:

RING ONE GUY IN,

KISS ONE GOODBYE. Quite literally.

THOUGH HARRIET

IS NOW A SLUG

AT LEAST SHE GAVE

TORCHWOOD A PLUG!

WE DON'T NEED A MILLION DOLLARS—

EVERYTHING WE WANT IS HERE.

_(to _**THE DOCTOR**WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME

THIS YEAR WILL BE

THE PERFECT YEAR!

**THE DOCTOR. **IT MAY BE WEIRD

AT FIRST TO SEE

A DOCTOR WHO'S

AS CUTE AS ME.

IF YOU WILL LOOK

AT SEASONS PAST

IT'S NOT THE YOUTH

THAT MADE THEM LAST!

NOW THAT THE SHOW IS FORTY,

WE'RE DUE FOR A CHANGE, IT'S CLEAR:

LET'S WAIT AND SEE,

THIS YEAR MAY BE,

THE PERFECT YEAR.

**MICKEY **_jealousy turns up the TV. _**HARRIET **_appears on it, looking very flustered. _**THE DOCTOR **_puts on his glasses. Several people faint._

**THE DOCTOR. **I told her I could break her with six words.

**MICKEY. **What were they?

**THE DOCTOR. **Isn't Russell T Davies a clever git?

RING OUT THE OLD,

RING IN THE NEW.

UP THERE ABOVE,

ALIENS ARE THROUGH!

**JACKIE. **OH LOOK OUTSIDE!

_(to _**THE DOCTOR**) BEFORE YOU BASH,

LOOK AT THE SNOW!

**THE DOCTOR. **NO, THAT'S JUST ASH.

BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT ROMANTIC?

**MICKEY. **YEAH, A BIT TOO MUCH, I FEAR.

**THE DOCTOR. **LET'S WAIT AND SEE,

THIS YEAR MAY BE . . .

**ROSE. **The perfect year?

**THE DOCTOR. **The most lucrative, certainly.

_Curtain comes down on the four of them outside in the ash._

Next time: Act One. Scene One. New Earth. (_Beauty and the Beast_)

1 Ooh we ooh, oooh we oooh, doo doo doo, doo doo doo . . .


	2. Act One, Scene One

Act One, Scene One. New Earth. (_Beauty and the Beast_)

_The curtain comes up on _**THE TARDIS **_outside the Powell Estate. _**ROSE **_approaches, loaded down by a large duffel bag. _**MICKEY **_follows, carrying a rucksack and a suitcase, as does _**JACKIE **_with a shoulder bag, a snowboard, and a sleeping bag_

**JACKIE. **You sure you're gonna need all this stuff?

**ROSE. **What do you mean, it's just the essentials!

**MICKEY. **Yeah, what's in this suitcase? _(hands it to her_) It weighs, like, a ton.

**ROSE. **_(mumbles_) Oh, just about a hundred condoms.

**MICKEY. **What?!?!

**ROSE. **I mean—books. Lots of light reading, for those dull patches. You've gotta be prepared for everyfink.

**JACKIE. **Well, I'm really gonna miss you. _(hugs her) _

**ROSE. **Nah, I'm sure you won't even notice I'm gone.

**JACKIE. **_(a beat) _S'pose you're right. _(whips out mobile_) Yeah, she's almost gone. Time to par-tay!

**MICKEY. **Take care of yourself. _(pecks her on the cheek_) I love you.

**ROSE. **Ffanks, I'm sure I'll be fine. (_moves luggage into _**TARDIS**)

**MICKEY. **Ahem. I love you.

**ROSE. **Don't do anyfink stupid while I'm gone, yeah?

**MICKEY. **Ahe-Ahem! I love you!

**ROSE. **Um . . . Laterz!

_She dives into _**THE TARDIS **_before he can say anything else. She searches for _**THE DOCTOR.**

**ROSE. **Um, Doctor?

**THE DOCTOR **_is licking the wall. He straightens up and flashes a winning smile._

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, there you are. Ready to go?

_She drapes herself over _**THE TARDIS **_console._

**ROSE. **Shall we shag now or later?

**THE DOCTOR. **(_takes her hand_) Rose, this may be difficult for you to believe, but we're supposed to be _best mates. _Even the dumbed-down books say so.

**ROSE. **(_abashed_) Oh. Guess I'll just chuck this suitcase of condoms out the airlock . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **(_cheerfully_) You do that.

_She disappears with all her luggage._

**ROSE. **(_from offstage_) Where're we going, by the way?

**THE DOCTOR. **Further than we've ever gone before!

**ROSE **_pops her head out of the corridor._

**ROSE. **There you go again, with the mixed signals.

**THE DOCTOR. **I know. That's what makes me fun. By the way, there isn't an airlock in the TARDIS.

_Song. _**NEW EARTH (BELLE) **(Menken/Ashman)

**THE DOCTOR. **LITTLE EARTH

WAS A SMOLD'RING CINDER

**ROSE. **I RECALL—

'TWAS OUR FIRST DATE!

**THE DOCTOR. **LITTLE EARTH

CAUSED A NOSTALGIC MOVEMENT

ABOUT THE YEAR FIVE BILLION AND. . .

**ROSE. **(_reads something on the console_) NEW EARTH!

**THE DOCTOR. **NEW EARTH!

_He grabs her hand and they run outside. Zooming spaceships, futuristic cities in the distance, and a bucolic expanse of grass take her breath away_.

**ROSE. **NEW EARTH?

**THE DOCTOR. **NEW EARTH! NEW EARTH!

**ROSE. **IT'S GREAT!

**THE DOCTOR. **_(points)_ THAT CITY OVER THERE IS NEW NEW YORK

_(bends down) _AND YOU MUST TASTE THIS APPLE GRASS!

**ROSE.** I'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY

I LOVE TRAVELING THIS WAY

WITH YOU, AND DON'T YOU THINK—

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW DON'T BE CRASS.

**ROSE **_looks puzzled. _**THE DOCTOR **_takes off his coat and puts on the grass. They both lie on it._

**ROSE. **New New York, eh?

**THE DOCTOR. **New New York. New new Doctor!

**ROSE. **New nude Doctor? I'm sorry?

**THE DOCTOR. **(_scoots away from her_) New _new _Doctor! Say, are you ready to start exploring? How about that hospital over there? I'm getting a message from the amazing psychic paper that I'm wanted there.

**ROSE. **Okay, then I get to make a crack about the NHS.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yippeee! Let's go!

_They make a run for the hospital_. _Inside they are surrounded by patients, visitors, and cat-faced nuns, _**THE SISTERS OF PLENITUDE. **_They pass a sister blowing what appear to be balloons in funny shapes. She hands one to another sister who puts it on her head._

_Song. _**BE OUR GUEST **(Menken/Ashman)

**SISTERS.**

BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!

PUT OUR SERVICE TO THE TEST!

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

**MR. PRESIDENT. **I'M DYING, SIR . . .

**SISTERS. **BUT DON'T BE TOO DEPRESSED!

HERE WE WORK

TIRELESSLY

TO GET RID OF ALL DISEASE

**THE DOCTOR. **_(to _**MR. PRESIDENT**) UH, PUT YOUR FAI-TH IN THE SYSTEM . . .

**ROSE. **AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO PASS AS WISDOM??

**ASSISTANT. **WHEN HE RAMBLES WE CAN'T BE BLAMED

UNDER DURESS—IT CAN'T BE CLAIMED—

**THE DOCTOR. **AH, ROSE, IT'S ONLY AN EXTREMELY ANNOYING PEST!

_(to _**ASSISTANT) **THE GALAXY, IT SEEMS

IS FULL OF YOU: EXTREMELY—

**THE SISTERS **_push _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**THE ASSISTANT **_apart and sweep _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE **_away._

**SISTERS. **BE OUR GUEST,

BE OUR GUEST,

BE OUR GUEST!

**THE DOCTOR. **TAKE THE LIFT,

DON'T GO THAT WAY . . .

**ROSE. **WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

**ROSE **_gets in the lift ahead of _**THE DOCTOR. **

**THE DOCTOR. **JUST WATCH OUT FOR DISINFECTING—

**ROSE **_gets sprayed with disinfectant. She screams._

**ROSE. **OH, HOW DARE YOU BE BLASÉ?

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU GET DRENCHED,

_(he gets sprayed with disinfectant) _I DO, TOO

**ROSE. **AAAHHH! EE! OOH! EE! OOH-WOOH!

**THE DOCTOR**. NO ONE'S GLOOMY OR COMPLAINING

'CAUSE THE MUSIC'S ENTERTAINING.

I TELL JOKES—

**ROSE. **HOW 'BOUT I FLASH?

**THE DOCTOR. **I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU, NO CHAV TRASH!

IF IT'S JUST A BIT RISQUE THEN IT WILL PLEASE.

**ROSE. **SO I'LL JUST PICK MY WEDGIE . . .

**THE DOCTOR**. THE PREVIEWS SAID SHE'D

(_They are both dried and ejected)_ SHOW A LIL FLESH

IF YOU WANT SEX

IT'S THE SUBTEXT WE SUGGEST.

THE **SISTERS **_appear and usher them their separate ways._

**SISTERS. **BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!

**A SISTER. **(_to _**THE DOCTOR**) Do you know the Face of Boe well?

**THE DOCTOR. **Just had a passing acquaintance in one episode, really.

**SISTER. **He popped up a lot more than that, if you were paying attention.

**THE DOCTOR. **C'mon—I had Rose and Jack in the TARDIS. You really think I'm going to pay attention to anything else?

**SISTER. **Anyway, he's dying.

**THE DOCTOR. **The music is indicating we should be very gutted about this.

**SISTER. **Indeed.

**SISTER. **SPENDS MOST DAYS JUST SLEEPING

THIS OLD FACE, THOUGH IN KEEPING

WITH THE CREEPINESS, HE SINGS INSIDE MY HEAD.

**THE DOCTOR. **Ewww.

**SISTER. **AH THEY SAY THAT HE'S AN ANCIENT FOGEY

SO OLD THAT BY NOW HE REALLY SHOULD BE DEAD!

**THE FACE OF BOE **_peeps and looks offended._

**SISTER. **THERE'S A LEGEND THAT THEY'RE TELLING

'BOUT A SECRET HE'S GOT WELLING

INSIDE THAT GREAT BIG BRAIN HE'S GOT TO SHARE

ONLY TO A TRAVELLER HE'LL TELL IT—

**THE DOCTOR. **GASP! HE MUST MEAN ME!

**SISTER. **WAIT 'TIL THE END AND YOU WILL SEE!

_Meanwhile, the _**SISTERS **_disappear into a secret vault with rows and rows of cells._

**HEAD SISTER. **BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST

(_to a patient) _YOU ARE OURS ON WHICH TO TEST

(_stabs him with a syringe) _WE'LL INFECT YOU WITH ALL DISEASES AND SIT BACK

AND WATCH THE REST!

**PATIENT. **Aaaaaoooggggh! Help me!

**HEAD SISTER. **CHOLERA, CHICKEN POX

SYPHILIS AND FREEZIAN LOX—

**SISTERS**. WHEN YOU'RE RADIOACTIVELY GLOWING

YOUR RESULTS TO US ARE SHOWING

THE WAY TO END ALL DISEASE

WE MISGUIDEDLY AIM TO PLEASE.

_(to audience_) NOW WE GIVE YOU ALL A MINUTE TO DIGEST

THE ETHICS OF IT ALL

(LEST YOU SHOULD THINK AT ALL)

SO BE OUR GUEST!

BE OUR GUEST!

BE OUR GUEST!

PLEASE, BE OUR GUEST!

_Meanwhile, _**ROSE **_is in the basement. _**CASSANDRA **_and _**CHIP **_are there, too._

**ROSE. **You!

**CASSANDRA. **Yes, me. Hello, chav.

**ROSE. **I'm not a chav!

**CASSANDRA. **For the purpose of this episode, you are. We can't milk the jokes if we don't have proper material.

**ROSE. **But I saw you die! You dried up, you sizzled an' stuff. If you're alive, that negates the Doctor's assertion of personality from day one! You repudiate his qualities of cosmic angst!

**CASSANDRA. **Yes, I know. Muhahahaha!

**CHIP **_jumps out of the shadows._

**CHIP. **Hello, precioussssssss!

**CASSANDRA. **This is Chip. He's a force-grown clone.

**ROSE. **A force-fed gnome?

**CASSANDRA. **A force-grown clone! He likes to sing and has a passion for china. Here, sit down and watch my home movies!

**ROSE. **I don' wanna.

**CHIP **_throws a switch and an old reel of film starts to play._

**ROSE. **That you?

**CASSANDRA. **Of course. What were you expecting?

**ROSE. **I was hopin' for the lost reels of the 1960s episodes.

_Song. _**3-D AGAIN (HUMAN AGAIN) **(Menken/Ashman)

**CASSANDRA. **I'LL BE COOKING AGAIN,

BE GOOD-LOOKING AGAIN—

(_to herself on screen) _IN FACT, I'LL BE LOOKING LIKE YOU …

WHEN I'M 3-D AGAIN,

ONLY 3-D AGAIN,

THOUGH YOU SAW ME GET FRIED, THAT IS TRUE.

I'LL EVOKE SYMPATHY

FROM THE AUDIENCE, SEE,

_(to _**ROSE) **LIKE I WOULD IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU!

**ROSE. **HEY, THAT WAS YOUR FAULT!

**CASSANDRA. **DO I CARE? NOT A JOT!

FORTUNATELY MY BRAIN MADE IT THROUGH!— _(indicates her brain in a jar_)

WHEN I'M 3-D AGAIN,

ONLY 3-D AGAIN—

**ROSE**DOES THIS GO ON INDEFINITELY?

**CASSANDRA**_. (indicates film playing) _LOOK AT ME THERE—

I HAD HIPS, I HAD HAIR!

I WAS GENUINELY PLEASING TO SEE!

I'VE HIJACKED THIS SHOW

SO RTD CAN JUST THROW

HIS CHARACTERS—RECYCLED AT THAT!

_(innocently) _I WAS JUST MINDING MY TAT

AND THEN I WENT SPLAT!

**ROSE. **OH, THAT'S CRAP!

**CASSANDRA. **I'LL BE 3-D AGAIN!

**ROSE. **How do you plan on doing that?

**CASSANDRA. **Er … go stand over there.

**ROSE. **Over here?

**CASSANDRA. **Oh, yes, that's perfect.

**ROSE. **Why am I standing here?

**CASSANDRA. **Now you're my prisoner and I shall steal your body! Muhahahaha!

**CHIP **_throws a switch. _**CASSANDRA **_jumps into _**ROSE**_'s body._

_Song. _**ME **(Menken?)

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **I'VE BEEN DREAMING

JUST ONE DREAM

THROUGH ALL THIS NIP AND TUCK:

HOPING, SCHEMING

JUST ONE THEME—

GOT TO FIND A SCHMUCK,

STEAL HER BODY, A CASTLE THAT'S BOUNC-Y—

GOOD NEWS, THAT CASTLE'S ME! (_feels herself up_)

_(picks up mobile_) 'Ello Govna! Be right there!

_She takes the lift to see _**THE DOCTOR.**

**THE DOCTOR. **Rose! There you are! You've been missing a lot of important stuff. (_looks down_) Rose, your top is unzipped. I sense falling bosoms.

_She grabs him and kisses him_.

**ROSE. **muss muss muss

**THE DOCTOR. . . . **Okay then. Come on.

_They discover the secret store of cells and patients._

**THE DOCTOR. **_(outraged) _It's a human farm!!

**HEAD SISTER. **They're not real people.

**THE DOCTOR**. I ADMIT THAT

I WAS STRUCK

BY ALL THESE PERFECT CURES.

NOW, NO SHIT THAT

YOU'RE CORRUPT

I'M NATURALLY ASSURED

THAT YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE—AND NOW I POSE:

WHAT THE HELL'S UP WITH ROSE?

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **It's me, Doctor. I stole her body!

**THE DOCTOR. **No, it can't be—the Master!

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **Er, no.

**THE DOCTOR. **The Rani!

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **Try again.

**THE DOCTOR. **Er . . . Michael Grade?

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **Come on, Doctor. _(grabs his tie)_

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, Cassandra!

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **Yup, and now I'm going to set free all the zombies.

**HEAD SISTER. ** They're not zombies. They're patients infected with every disease in the universe.

**CASSANDRA/ROSE** . Whatever.

_The patients escape. Everyone screams and starts running._

**CASSANDRA/ROSE**. And now I'm going to see what it's like to be a self-absorbed, self-righteous, ever-so-slightly pathetic Time Lord.

**THE DOCTOR. **Who do you mean?

**CASSANDRA **_jumps into _**THE DOCTOR.**

**CASSANDRA/THE DOCTOR. **WOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN A MAN,

BOY, THIS IS A TRIP!

I'LL MAKE THIS AWKWARD AS I CAN—

RATHER LIKE THIS SCRIPT!

THIS HEAD IS FULL OF LOTS OF STUFF, YOU SEE—

(_to _**ROSE) **JUST LIKE IN YOUR HEAD—

FANCIED HIM A BIT, YOU DID—

THIS BODY'S QUALITY—

FOXY AS ALL HELL _(s/he strokes her/himself_)

_(shrugs)_ LIVE ONCE—MIGHT AS WELL . . .

ROSE, ARE YOU READY . . . ?

You said you wanted a shag. Up to it now?

**ROSE. **Uh … not really.

**CASSANDRA/DOCTOR. **Ah well, missed your one and only chance!

ME!

**ROSE. **But thanks for asking?

_The hordes, who have been staring at this interesting transformation, descend._

**PARODY WRITER. **In brief, the Doctor and Cassandra/Rose escape but Cassandra is forced to cooperate with the Doctor as she jumps back and forth between bodies. Then the Doctor has the brilliant if somewhat inexplicable idea to take all the cures and mix them together and disinfect everyone.

**ROSE. **Don't forget the part where he puts on his glasses.

**PARODY WRITER. **I was just getting to that.

**THE DOCTOR **_puts on his glasses._

**PARODY WRITER. **Cassandra, still in Rose's body, helps him. Everyone's cured, starts hugging, and sings "Kumbaya."

**EVERYONE. **KUMBAYA MY LORD,

KUMBAYA . . .

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**CASSANDRA/ROSE **_walk by _**THE FACE OF BOE.**

**THE DOCTOR. **So you, um, had a secret to tell me?

**THE FACE OF BOE. **I'm not actually dying. Suckah!

**PARODY WRITER. **Chip, whom the Doctor rather callously left to die at the hands of the infected masses—

**THE DOCTOR. **Hey!

**PARODY WRITER. **–Miraculously survives. The Doctor insists Cassandra take the opportunity to die.

**ROSE. **Why did you just summarize all that?

**PARODY WRITER. **You try adapting all that to "Be Our Guest," one of the most challenging songs to parody in the English language!!

**ROSE. **Point taken.

_Song. _**HOME **(Menken?)

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **YES, I MADE THE CHOICE—

**THE DOCTOR. **CASSANDRA, YOU CAN'T STAY!

**CASSANDRA/ROSE. **BUT I DON'T DESERVE TO LOSE

MY FREEDOM IN THIS WAY!

COME HERE, CHIP—

_She jumps into _**CHIP.**

**THE DOCTOR. **(_to _**CASSANDRA/CHIP**) IF YOU THINK THAT WHAT YOU'VE DONE

IS RIGHT, WELL THEN—

**CASSANDRA/CHIP. **(_gasps_) I'M DYING!

**THE DOCTOR. **(_less enthusiastically_) –THINK AGAIN . . .

Come on, into the TARDIS.

**ROSE. **Doctor, I thought you said no second chances!

**THE DOCTOR. **Did I? When was that?

**ROSE. **Like, yesterday.

**THE DOCTOR. **New new Doctor. Get used to contradictions . . .

**THE DOCTOR, ROSE, **_and _**CASSANDRA/CHIP **_get into _**THE TARDIS. **_They climb out again at a very familiar-looking party._

**CASSANDRA/CHIP. **IS THIS HOME?

DOESN'T THIS CREATE A TIME PARADOX?

**THE DOCTOR. **NEVER MIND

HURRY UP AND FIND YOURSELF 'FORE YOU DIE!

**CASSANDRA/CHIP. **(_to _**YOUNG CASSANDRA**) HEY, YOU, HI!

**YOUNG CASSANDRA. **OH, DO YOU MEAN ME?

**CASSANDRA/CHIP. **YES! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, OH MY!

**YOUNG CASSANDRA. **THANKS, YOU ODD LITTLE CREATURE . . .

**CASSANDRA/CHIP **_dies._

**YOUNG CASSANDRA. **OH MY GOD, YOU DIDN'T JUST DIE!

**THE DOCTOR. **NOTHING LASTS, NOTHING HOLDS . . .

(_to _**ROSE**) LET US GO . . .

**ROSE. **THAT WAS, UH, ALMOST SAD—

**THE DOCTOR. **YES, I KNOW!

**ROSE. **Time to go?

_He nods. She grabs for him._

**THE DOCTOR. **No more mussing!

**ROSE. **Awwww.

Next time: Scene Two. Tooth and Claw. (_Jane Eyre, _with a touch of the Barenaked Ladies)


	3. Act One, Scene Two

Scene Two. Tooth and Claw. (_Jane Eyre, _with a touch of the Barenaked Ladies)

_The scene opens in the courtyard of a nineteenth-century manor house. A group of hooded _**MONKS **_approach the _**STEWARD **_and his men_

**STEWARD. **Gah home noo, Father. We're all Presbytiirians here.

**FATHER ANGELO. **Sure you don't want a St. Christopher's medal?

**STEWARD. **Thanks, but noah thanks. By the way, what do you have in the crate?

**FATHER ANGELO. **Wouldn't you like to know?

_The _**MONKS**_ throw off their robes to reveal Asian-style jumpsuits._

**STEWARD. **Oh, ah like yer silk pyjamas! Where cannae get a pair?

_The _**MONKS **_produce staves and menace the _**STEWARD **_and his men._

**FATHER ANGELO. **Friar Tuck, eat your heart out.

_Song. _**MAD MONKS (ONE WEEK)** (Page/Robertson)

**FATHER ANGELO **WICKED-Y MAD MONKS, A SCI FI LARRIKIN

THINK YOU GOT THE WRONG CHANNEL ON; WATCH THE PLOT THICKEN

_(starts attacking) _WATCHING THE _WHO _WITH NO LIGHTS ON

BEHIND THE SOFA, HON

YOU'LL SCRATCH YOUR HEAD WITH THIS ONE.

_The _**MONKS **_fly around, fighting. Something in the crate rumbles._

**EUROS LYN. **ATTENTION SPANS ARE GETTING FRANTIC

CAN'T GIVE 'EM TANTRIC—

_MATRIX-_STYLE IS GUARANTEED TO SATISFY

LIKE KUROSAWA I MAKE MAD FILMS

'KAY, I DON'T MAKE FILMS

BUT IF I DID THEY'D HAVE A SAMURAI.

_Flashback to _"The Deadly Assassin" _as the Samurai menaces Tom Baker in the Matrix. Meanwhile, in the _**TARDIS, ROSE **_is ripping the hem of her denim overalls._

**THE DOCTOR. **What are you doing?! I just bought you those!

**ROSE. **It's called fashion, Doctor.

GOTTA GET A SET 'A BETTER DUDS

GOTTA FIT IN, THE KIT'S IN, M'LUD

'CAUSE YOU DECIDED TO TAKE US TO A FOOTBALL MATCH1.

**THE DOCTOR. **GOTTA GET IN TUNE WITH THE FULL MOON

OR IS THAT TOO SOON? FORESHADOWING THE DOOM—IS MY STRONG POINT

_(looks at _**ROSE) **OH WELL, IF YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT MISMATCHED . . .

**ROSE. **Oi! I heard that!

**THE DOCTOR. **HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE MAD?

TRYING HARD NOT TO SMILE, THOUGH I FEEL BAD

I'M THE KINDA GUY WHO CAUSES A LOT OF FUNERALS—

**ROSE. **I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAY, THOUGH YOU MEAN WELL . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **I HAVE A TENDENCY TO WEAR MY MIND ON MY SLEEVE

I HAVE A HISTORY OF LOSING MY SHIRT—

**ROSE. **(_very excitedly) _You do?!

**THE DOCTOR. **(_coughs_) Not really. I have no idea why I just said that. It's almost as if someone's putting words in my mouth. Anyway, are you ready?

**ROSE. **Nineteen-seventy-nine, here I come!

_As _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE **_step out onto a rolling moor, they see a long train of official-looking horse-drawn carriages._ **QUEEN VICTORIA **_steps out of one of them._

**ROSE. **Is that--?

**THE DOCTOR. **Your Majesty. Ah'm Doctor James McCrimmon _(elbows _**ROSE**) and this is my research assistant, Rose Tyler.

**ROSE. **_(curtseying) _Ma'am. Uh . . . sorry I'm naked.

**VICTORIA. **What on Earth do you mean?

**THE DOCTOR. **Pay noah attention to yon timorous beastie—a learned Rabbie Burns reference, in case you thought ah was dumbing-down.

**ROSE. **What's with the accent?

**VICTORIA. **I am on my way to Sir Robert Macleish's estate. Feel free to tag along.

**THE DOCTOR. **Thank you, Yoor Majesty.

**ROSE.**_to _**THE DOCTOR) **Bet you five quid I can make her say "we are not amused."

**THE DOCTOR. **Er . . . okay. On second thought, this doesn't even look like Scotland. It looks like a cleverly-disguised Wales

**ROSE. **Doctor, who's James McCrimmon?

**THE DOCTOR. **Don't be so lazy! Look it up!

_They make their way to the estate._

_Song. _**PERFECTLY NICE **(Jane Eyre)

**VICTORIA. **IT'LL BE PERFECTLY NICE

HAVING SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO CONVERSE

YOU TWO SEEM FINE,

IF A LITTLE PERVERSE (_looks at _**ROSE**)

**ROSE. **AND IF I'M A TINY BIT TERSE

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I FLUNKED HIS-TOR-Y

SO THE 'WE'RE NOT AMUSED'

GETS USED FREQUENTLY.

**THE DOCTOR**. YOUR MAJESTY, DON'T MIND THE LASS,

SHE'S NUDE BUT IT'S NOT HER FAULT, AND LOOK AT THAT A—

**ROSE. **(_elbows him_) HE'S REALLY A DEAR,

IF A TINY BIT QUEER.

**VICTORIA. **HERE WE ARE AT THE TORCHWOOD ESTATE—

**ROSE. **(_whispers, to _**THE DOCTOR) **Torchwood?

**SIR ROBERT MACLEISH. **OH YOUR MAJESTY'S HERE . . . ISN'T THAT GREAT?

**THE DOCTOR. **Shut up, Rose!

**SIR ROBERT. **WON'T YOU COME IN?

**VICTORIA. **SIR ROBERT, MY DEAR . . .

**ROSE. **I'm freezin'!

**SIR ROBERT. **ALL OF YOU, STEP IN TO THE HOUSE . . .

INCLUDING THE NAKED GIRL, WHO'S NOT REALLY NUDE

MY WIFE ISN'T HERE—

**VICTORIA. **THAT'S A BIT RUDE!

**THE DOCTOR. **HEY, DINNAE WANT TO SEEM A PRUDE,

BUT THE WOMENFOLK HAVE ALL DISAPPEARED . . .

AND ALL THESE MONKS SEEM

JUST A LITTLE BIT WEIRD . . .

**SIR ROBERT. **My wife is regrettably indisposed. But if Your Majesty and your entourage will come this way . . . Perhaps Your Majesty would be interested in seeing the telescope, called _The Endeavour, _ which my wacky father left behind?

**THE DOCTOR. **Oooh, me, me! I wanna see!

**SIR ROBERT.** This way. I think you'll find it an Important Plot Point.

_The _**MONKS **_watch the goings-on as the party makes its way to the study. _**VICTORIA, **then **ROSE **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_examine _The Endeavour _in succession._** THE DOCTOR **_puts on his glasses._

_Song. _**THE RUDER THINGS (THE FINER THINGS) **

**VICTORIA. **_(to _**SIR ROBERT) **YOU HAVE SUCH EXQUISITE TASTE

(I MEAN, FOR RURAL

BUMPKINS) AND I APPROVE.

THIS, NOW, FOR SURE'LL

BLOW THE SMUG DOCTOR AWAY (IS THE PHRASE)—

**ROSE. **YEAH RIGHT, THAT'LL BE THE DAY! I mean . . .

**SIR ROBERT. **WE'RE LUCKY TO LIVE

IN THE GREAT AGE OF SCIENTISTS

LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME . . .

**VICTORIA. **A SAGE! I INSIST

HE APPEAR IN AN EPISODE

NEXT SEASON!

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **YEAH, WE'RE WORKING ON IT . . .

**VICTORIA. **I'M QUEEN! THAT'S ENOUGH OFA REASON!

THESE ARE THE FINER THINGS—

**THE DOCTOR. **BIT OF RUBBISH, DON'T YOU THINK?

**VICTORIA. **REALLY, I'M QUITE SURPRISED—!

**THE DOCTOR**. DOESN'T WORK—SEEMS TO BE A KINK—

WITH ALL THESE MIRRORS, NOT A CHINK—

OR MAYBE I'M BEING RUDE?

THOUGHT THE GLASSES WOULD

EXONERATE ANYTHING . . .

**VICTORIA. **DON'T BE CRUDE!

**THE DOCTOR. **SORRY, DIDN'T—

**ROSE. **YOUR MAJESTY, PERHAPS YOU'RE NOT--?

**VICTORIA. **AMUSED? YOU ARE TEDIOUS!

**SIR ROBERT. **_(ushering them out of the room) _PERHAPS SUPPERTIME . . .?

_They leave _**THE DOCTOR **_behind, who is still examining the telescope._

**THE DOCTOR. **HMM … WHAT?

_He hurries to join them._

**VICTORIA. **Perhaps Miss Tyler can use this opportunity to don more appropriate attire?

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, and try this time noot to look like a Victorian hooker!

**ROSE. **Doctor! I thought you said I looked beautiful!

**THE DOCTOR. **(_grins) _New new Doctor . . .

**SIR ROBERT. **Perhaps you'd like to get changed, too, Doctor McCrimmon?

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh noah, cannae be bothered . . . Very busy and important, me . . .

**ROSE. **Sexist alien pig!

**ROSE **_storms off to her room and throws gowns off the shelves. She takes out tails and considers them before throwing them on the bed. She opens a cupboard and finds a _**MAID **_inside._

**MAID. **Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!

**ROSE. **Jesus, what're you hidin' around in people's cupboards for?

**MAID. **Sorry, ma'am, but seein' as how you're the bleedin' heart on this show, I thought you could be counted on to help me.

_Meanwhile, at the dinner table, _**VICTORIA., SIR ROBERT, **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_are chatting. _**SIR ROBERT **_has just finished telling a story about werewolves._

**THE DOCTOR. **So, do you, like, miss Albert?

**VICTORIA. **Like, duh. Ahem, I mean . . . _completely. _

_Song. _**THINGS BEYOND THIS EARTH**

**VICTORIA. **SYMPATHIES EXIST

PRESENTIMENTS AND SIGHS

THAT BAFFLE OUR MORTAL COMPREHENSION

A GHOST STORY'S NOT

JUST FOR THE KIDS

IT'S THE CHARM THAT _THEY_ WILL HEAR . . .

IF SUCH THINGS EXIST,

THINGS BEYOND THIS EARTH,

THINGS BEYOND OUR SACRED

THOUGHTS OF HEAVEN

WE ARE SO EAGER TO COMMUNICATE

UNTIL THEN, WE WAIT.

**SIR ROBERT. **That was lovely, Your Majesty.

**THE DOCTOR. **_(his mouth stuffed with food) _Yemsf, meghffy good.

**SIR ROBERT. ** Kay, I'm gonna tell you all about the monks.

**THE DOCTOR. **Why now? Why not before?

**SIR ROBERT. **They had my wife.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, they've _still_ got your wife.

**SIR ROBERT. **Yeah, but I'm telling you anyway.

**VICTORIA. **Doctor, what happened to your accent? I demand to be answered.

**THE DOCTOR. **Er . . . speech therapy?

_Song. _**INCIDENT AND ESCAPE (SIRENS) **

**SIR ROBERT. **DAMN THE DANGER, DAMN THE MONKS—

**THE DOCTOR. **DON'T YOU WORRY, THEY'RE JUST PUNKS,

JUST GOTHIC STEREOTYPING AT ITS WORST!  
**SIR ROBERT. **THEY MADE ME SILENT, 'GAINST MY WILL

SO OUR MAJESTY THEY'D KILL

THEY'VE GOT SOMETHING IN A CAGE THAT'S CURSED …  
**VICTORIA. **OH LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,

'CAUSE THIS IS BAD,

IT'S TREASONOUS!—

**THE DOCTOR. **I THINK IT'S WORSE THAN THAT!

FOR THE CREATURE YOU CALL WEREWOLF

IS ON THE PROWL . . .

_Meanwhile, in the cellar, _**ROSE **_is chained up with the rest of the servants. The big crate at the beginning is in the middle of the floor. Everyone watches it nervously._

**MAID. **GOD SAVE US IF WE CAN BE SAVED!

**ROSE. **PLEASE, YOU GUYS, LET'S JUST BE BRAVE

I'VE GOTTEN FREE ENOUGH TIMES TO KNOW  
IF THE DOCTOR'S NOT AROUND,

AN' IF YOUR JUDGEMENT'S MORE THAN SOUND,

YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE OF ESCAPING, SO . . .

_She approaches the crate. A figure appears in the low light._

_Song. _**EXPOSITION (PAINTING HER PORTRAIT) **

**WEREWOLF.** IT'S NO USE IN TRYING

TO GET FREE FROM THIS ONE—

I'VE CARVED OUT THIS BOY'S HEART

AND SAT IN ITS PLACE.

AS FOR CONTINUITY

I MIGHT AS WELL ADD THAT

YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF

THE WOLF IN YOUR FACE! (**ROSE **_flinches_)

DON'T FORGET THAT I'M A SUPERIOR RACE.

I'M BITING YOUR QUEENIE

TO TAKE OVER ENGLAND

I AM YOUR TYPICAL

MEGLOMANIAC!

_He escapes and under the light of the full moon, transforms into a werewolf. His howls can be heard all over the estate. The _**MONKS **_scatter, and _**THE DOCTOR **_leaps to action._

**VICTORIA. **OH DEARIE ME

I MUST GET FREE!

**SIR ROBERT. **WE'D BETTER SCRAM!

**THE DOCTOR. **TO THE LI-BRAR-Y!

**VICTORIA. **BUT I'LL WHIP OUT THIS DERRINGER

TO SHOW I'M BUTCH.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

_She shoots _**FATHER ANGELO.**

**ROSE. **DOCTOR, I AM

GOING TO KILL—

OH MY GOD—

GUYS, MOVE YOUR BODS!

UP THE STAIRS—

DON'T YOU DARE!

_As _**ROSE **_frees the servants, they try to escape from the cellar. _**THE DOCTOR **_appears._

**ROSE. **Have you thought up some brilliant plan?

**THE DOCTOR. **I believe I have. Run!

_They run._

**ROSE.**

I CANNOT STAND ANOTHER RUN—

THOUGH IT NICELY TONES MY BUN—UP STAIRS  
**THE DOCTOR. **NOT NOW, WE'VE GOT TO SAVE THE QUEEN. 

_He looks out the window and sees the _**MONKS **_holding branches outside the house._

WHAT ARE THE MONKS DOING WITH THOSE TREES?  
**ROSE. **IF HE'S A WEREWOLF, CAN'T WE USE THE SILVERWARE? 

_In a room nearer to the cellar, the _**STEWARD **_and his men load guns._

**STEWARD.**  
DAMN THE ENGLISH, DAMN THEIR GUNS,

LET'S LOAD UP OURS AND HAVE SOME FUN

WE'LL PUMP THIS CREATURE FULL OF LEAD!

_Lots of shooting. The bullets, duh, have no effect on the _**WEREWOLF.**

**THE DOCTOR. **NAH, THAT'S MYTH BUT MISTLETOE  
APPEARS TO BE THE WEREWOLF'S FOE

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE WRITER'S SAID.

_They run into _**VICTORIA, SIR ROBERT, **_and _**LADY MACLEISH.**

**VICTORIA. **OH DON'T FORGET THE BOX

WITH THE THING INSIDE . . .

**SIR ROBERT. **COME ON, YOUR MAJESTY—

**ROSE. **WE HAVE TO HIDE!

**LADY MACLEISH. **OH ROBERT YOU MUST KISS ME! 

**ROSE **_looks longingly at _**THE DOCTOR.**

**THE DOCTOR. **LET'S NOT WASTE TIME. 

_They barricade themselves in the library. The _**WEREWOLF **_sniffs around and walks away._

**THE DOCTOR.** I'M GONNA LICK THIS BOOKSHELF WALL—

**ROSE. **OH NOT AGAIN . . .  
**THE DOCTOR.**_(licking it)_A-HA, A-HA, IT'S AS I THOUGHT

_(to _**SIR ROBERT) **YOUR DAD WAS QUITE THE CLEVER MAN!

AND I BELIEVE IT'S MISTLETOE . . .

NOW READ SOME BOOKS (_throws books at people)_  
**VICTORIA.**HERE'S THE KOH-I-NOOR!

**ROSE. **WHAT'S THAT FOR?

**THE DOCTOR. **OH BRILLIANT, THAT—

FIRST, A CAVEAT:

**WEREWOLF. **OOOOOOOOOOOH! 

**THE DOCTOR. **TO THE TELESCOPE!

TO THE TELESCOPE!

**WEREWOLF. **OOOOOOOOOOOH!

**SIR ROBERT. **BOLD DECOY!

SACRIFICE!

USELESS DEATH!

MY DEATH!

**SIR ROBERT **_runs out to meet his doom. _**THE DOCTOR, **_and _**ROSE **_run to the study. _**THE DOCTOR **_throws the diamond into the telescope. He flashes it at the _**WEREWOLF **_and it slowly dissolves._

**ROSE. **How did you do that?!

**THE DOCTOR. **Dunno.

_Later, _**ROSE **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_are kneeling in front of _**VICTORIA.**

_Song. _**PAINTING HER PORTRAIT **_(cont'd). _

**VICTORIA. **I'M KNIGHTING ROSE TYLER,

KNIGHTING THE DOCTOR,

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS

IN THE EXTREME.

BUT NOW I'M EXILING

THE _WHO _GOLDEN COUPLE

TO PROVE JUST HOW MEAN I AM

TO THE BRITISH TODAY.

_Stung, _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE **_leave. They walk back to the _**TARDIS.**

**ROSE. **What'd she do that for?

**THE DOCTOR. **Guess to enact a ban on writing any stories for the near future that would feature the British Victorian era.

**ROSE. **Hmm, can see her point. We've already hung around with Dickens—

**THE DOCTOR. **And before that, I pretended to be Sherlock Holmes.

**ROSE. **You? Sherlock Holmes?

**THE DOCTOR. **Nah, you've got to be quiet now so I can basically imply that the entire Royal Family are a bunch of werewolves in a lame attempt to explain Queen Victoria's haemophilia which she later passed on to her descendents, including Tsar Nicholas' son Alexei . . .

**ROSE. **Oh. So, how about that football match?

Next time: Scene Three. School Reunion. (_Grease_)

1 I've been informed that they actually went to a punk concert, which is true, but then I would have to change the rhyme. Same difference anyway.


	4. Act One, Scene Three

Scene Three. School Reunion. (_Into the Woods/Grease_)

_At a school that might just be in Newport, _**THE DOCTOR **_walks into a classroom. He dons his glasses and writes _Dr John Smith _on the chalk board. The students stare._

**THE DOCTOR. **Good morning class, I am your substitute science teacher.

**PARODY WRITER. **Why didn't I ever get a teacher like that?

_Meanwhile, in a hallway, the sinister _**MR FINCH **_stalks a tired-looking pupil_.

_Song. _**HELLO, LITTLE GIRL **(Sondheim)

**MR FINCH. **HELLO LITTLE GIRL,

WHAT'S YOUR RUSH?

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?

WHAT, SO, LITTLE GIRL,

HARK AND HUSH—

IT'S NOT CLEAR I WANT TO SMATTER

Your blood as I devour you, or if I'm a predator of a more mundane sort.

**GIRL. **EWW, I SAID

BETTER DEAD

THAN TO BE RAPED

AND FILLED WITH DREAD.

**MR FINCH. **Are you kidding? This is _Doctor Who. _People get tortured, killed, genocide is the norm, but no one gets raped.

**GIRL. **Oh, good. Are you gonna eat me then?

**MR FINCH. **Muhahahahahahahaha!

_He slams the door and the girl screams._

_Back in the classroom, _**THE DOCTOR **_plays with a rubix cube. The class sits boredly and fidgets._

**THE DOCTOR. **So, what's the matter with you kids? Immune to my hotness or something?

**MILO. **Sorry, sir, it's just that we've been forced to watch back-to-back episodes of _Hollyoaks. _

**THE DOCTOR. **I see. Well, we'd better kick start the plot or the readers of the parody are going to be stuck forever with the really disturbing image conjured up in the scene just before this one.

**MILO. **Sir, if you please, maybe I could tell you the speed of light and some other technobabble and you could surmise that there's something weird going on?

**THE DOCTOR. **Good one, Milo, was it? You get a Galaxy bar.

**MILO. **Can I have ten quid instead?

**THE DOCTOR. **Er . . . no.

**THE DOCTOR **_sits at the school canteen (I was going to write cafeteria but I think that's an Americanism?). _**ROSE, **_dressed as a dinner lady, scoops chips onto people's plates._

_Song. _**BEAUTY SCHOOL DROPOUT **(Jacobs/Casey)

**ROSE. **A-LEVEL DROPOUT,

IS THIS THE FATE I'M MEANT TO BEAR?

A-LEVEL DROPOUT—

IT'S SEXIST AND UNFAIR!

WHILE THE DOCTOR GETS TO SCHMOOZIN'

WITH HIS BRIEFCASE AND HIS GLASSES

I'M STUCK HERE, MOPPIN' OOZIN'

CRAP AND WORKIN' MY ASS—

**STUDENT. **Miss!

**ROSE **_dumps chips into the child's plate. She slips over to the table where _**THE DOCTOR **_is sitting._ _She glares at him, hands on hips._

**THE DOCTOR. **A-LEVEL DROPOUT,

AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME WITH ME?

A-LEVEL DROPOUT,

AREN'T CHIP STAINS YOUR FANTASY? (_he picks up a chip_)

EWW, THESE CHIPS ARE KIND OF MANKY,

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD MUNCH 'EM—

**ROSE. **I NEED STARCH (_she stuffs her face_)—I'M NOT SO SWANKY—

**MRS JACKSON. (**_shouts across the room) _YOU'RE NOT PAID TO HAVE A LUNCHEON!

**ROSE. **Coming! Yeah, just . . . a sec!

**THE DOCTOR. **A-LEVEL DROPOUT—

**ROSE. **I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS, WAIT—

**THE DOCTOR. **A-LEVEL DROPOUT—

SEE YOU LATER, DON'T BE LATE!

_She walks away, sticking out her tongue at him; he waves leisurely at her._

**ROSE. **A-LEVEL DROPOUT . . . _(repeat ad nauseum) _

**THE DOCTOR**_ observes that a kid named _**KENNY **_is not allowed to eat chips nor go to the Maths room. He locks glances with _**MR FINCH**

**MR FINCH**Muhahahahahahaa!

_In the kitchen, _**ROSE **_calls _**MICKEY **_on her mobile._

**MICKEY. **So I'm still on the show, am I?

**ROSE. **Apparently so.

**MICKEY. **I bet you look really sexy in your dinner lady outfit.

**ROSE. **Um . . . how's the investigatin' going?

**MICKEY. **What investigatin'?

_A scream startles _**ROSE. **_A vat of goopy oozy chip stuff has fallen onto a dinner lady._

**MRS JACKSON. **Miss Tyler, why are you on your phone?

**ROSE. **Hafta call in for _X Factor! _Er—I mean—that woman needs an ambulance.

**MRS JACKSON. **No, she's fine, and I'm all deadpan funny. Get back to work.

**ROSE. **'Kay.

_Meanwhile, in the staff room, _**THE DOCTOR **_is talking to _**MR PARSONS, **_an expendable history teacher._

**THE DOCTOR. **. . . So clearly the National Lottery is behind all of this.

**MR PARSONS. **I wouldn't say that . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **But, I mean, it all goes back to what Pertwee said, about stuff being scariest when it comes to Earth to get you, to get your children.

**MR PARSONS. **Er . . . who's Pertwee?

**THE DOCTOR. **He will be me, and I will be him.

**MR PARSONS. **Then who will I be?

**MR FINCH **_leads in _**SARAH JANE SMITH, **_who's wearing really tall boots._

**MR FINCH. **Gentlemen, may I introduce Miss Sarah Jane Smith, a journalist?

**THE DOCTOR. **Hellloooooo, Sarah Jane. I mean—

**SARAH JANE. **Do I know you?

**THE DOCTOR. **Er . . . I don't think so. But my name's JOHN SMITH. Get it? JOHN SMITH.

**SARAH JANE. **Um, you're weird. But strangely engaging. We'll talk later. Ciao!

_Night falls. _**THE DOCTOR, MICKEY, **_and _**ROSE **_break in. Shrieks and strange winged shadows are seen throughout the school._

**ROSE. **Kinda reminds me of the Reapers from "Father's Day."

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, except the CGI is crappier. Come on. We need to get to the kitchens to take samples of the oily-burny-oozy-chip stuff.

**MICKEY. **Yum!

**SARAH JANE **_also breaks into the school. She sees _**THE TARDIS **_and drops her torch. She doesn't see _**THE DOCTOR **_watching her._

_Song. _**THOSE MAGIC CHANGES **(Jacobs/Casey)

**SARAH JANE. **WHAT'S THAT TARDIS DOING OVER THERE?

SHOULD I GO AND SEE AND DO I DARE--?

MY HEART'S RACING AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN

WHAT I'M FEELING—

**THE DOCTOR. **HELLO, SARAH JANE.

**SARAH JANE. **(_peers at him_) YOU'RE SO FAMILIAR TO ME,

SEND A THRILL RIGHT THROUGH ME . . .

BUT YOU CAN'T BE HIM, YOU'RE

YOUNG AND HOT AND—

**THE DOCTOR. **REGENERATION . . .

THOSE MAGIC CHANGES . . .

**SARAH JANE. **BODY EXCHANGES . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **TEETH AND CURLS FOR PINSTRIPES AND CHIC—

**SARAH JANE. **YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, YOU'RE STILL A GEEK!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED EITHER, YOU'RE—

**SARAH JANE. **DON'T SAY I'M MATURE!

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **BUT YOU'RE STILL SARAH JANE!

**SARAH JANE**. THE WORDS THAT I WANNA HEAR

ONCE AGAIN YOU WHISPER IN MY EAR . . .

WHOA, MY DOCTOR

OH OOH WEE OOH

WEE OOOH OOOH!

ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN IN WAIT FOR YOU—

YOU'D COME BACK TO ME SOMEDAY, I KNEW,

BEEN SO LONELY SINCE YOUR LAST GOODBYE—

**ROSE. **(_shouts offstage) _Doctor!

**SARAH JANE. **NOT ALONE, THEN, I SEE—

**THE DOCTOR. **(_flustered_) WELL, I—I—I—

**SARAH JANE **_advances on _**THE DOCTOR, **_poking him in the chest with her finger._

**SARAH JANE. **WHILE WE'RE AT IT, CROYDON'S

NOT THE SAME AS ABERDEEN

YOU LEFT ME STRANDED, THANKS A LOT—

**THE DOCTOR**. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT—  
**SARAH JANE**. BODY EXCHANGES,

THOSE MAGIC CHANGES . ..

OOH WEE OOOH WEE OOH

OOH WEE OOOOH YEAH!

OOOOOOOOO.

**ROSE **_and _**MICKEY **_dash in._

**MICKEY. **SHOOP DOO-WOP, DUM!

**ROSE **_looks at him. Then she looks at _**SARAH JANE.**

**ROSE. **What the 'ell is going on here? You two recordin' a record or somefin'?

**THE DOCTOR. **Could do, yeah.

**ROSE. **Is that what you call singing then?

**SARAH JANE. **Yeah, you should try it some time. Sarah Jane Smith, by the way. I was the Doctor's main squeeze for four seasons. You've only been on for—

**THE DOCTOR. **Sarah, this is Rose Tyler.

**SARAH JANE. **My, my, the assistants get younger every year.

**ROSE. **I'm _not _an assistant. We're called companions now. Shall I get in some more digs at your age? I don' know who you are or anyfink about you, but I've got to be jealous right away to milk the comic potential.

**SARAH JANE. **Okay, fine, but no more digs about the age. Who screamed by the way?

**MICKEY. **That'd be me. Rats.

**THE DOCTOR **(_licking his fingers_). That'll be food for the winged bat-like aliens who are living in the school. C'mon, I'll show you, case you forgot there was a plot.

**ROSE **_and _**SARAH JANE **_run off._

**MICKEY. **Ha ha ha! It's like the ex meeting the missus.

**THE DOCTOR **_hits him. Hard._

**MICKEY. **Owww! What was that for?!

**THE DOCTOR. **That was below the belt, for me and the show.

**MICKEY. **Yeah, but, wouldn't you like to see 'em mud-wrestling? Dukin' it out for you? We could sell tickets and everyfing. Raise money for charity.

**THE DOCTOR. **Hmm, it's an idea. I'll consider it.

_All four walk out of the school toward _**THE TARDIS.**

**THE DOCTOR. **If only we had something that would analyze the chemical signature of that oozy-chip stuff.

**SARAH JANE. **A-ha! (_runs to her car_)

**THE DOCTOR. **(_indulgently_) She's having an 'A-ha!' moment. Very exciting for an assistant. **ROSE **_glares._ Um . . . shutting up.

**SARAH JANE **_pulls a broken-down _**K-9 **_from her boot._

**SARAH JANE. **He just broke down one day, I wasn't able to repair him. I thought about giving him to Oxfam, but I just couldn't part with him.

**THE DOCTOR. **(_high pitched) _K-9! (_clears his throat, lower_) I mean, how nice to see K-9. I'm sure I can repair him.

**ROSE. **What do you need a metal dog for?

**THE DOCTOR. **(_protectively patting _**K-9**_'s head) _Hey! I'm going to report you to the RSPCA!

**ROSE. **For what, cruelty to metalloids?

**MICKEY. **Rrrrowr.

**SARAH JANE. **I think we all need something to eat. 'Cause no one ever eats on this show. Let's take my car to a café—

**MICKEY. **Again, in Newport—

**SARAH JANE. **–and fix K-9 and schmooze.

_In the café, _**ROSE **_picks at her sandwich, staring at _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**SARAH JANE **_who are laughing._

**MICKEY. **You're not eating, babe.

**ROSE. **I had some toilet paper mixed with water earlier. I'm full.

**MICKEY. **I think you're jealous.

**ROSE. **No shit, Sherlock.

**MICKEY. **Well, now you know how it feels.

**ROSE **(_looking at him thoughtfully_). Mickey, I want you to know. All those condoms I took with me earlier? I haven't used them.

**MICKEY. **Yeah, that makes me feel a lot better . . .

**SARAH JANE. **You know, I liked the hat and scarf look. We were all so '70s back then. Doctor, why didn't you come back for me?

**THE DOCTOR. **Um . . . because. **K-9 **_comes back to life._ K-9! Give me a kiss! I mean . . . here, analyze this gooey stuff.

**K-9. **(_ears whir_) Krillitane.

**THE DOCTOR. **What, cellophane?

**K-9. **Krillitane. Your intelligence has not improved with age, Master.

**THE DOCTOR. **Krillitanes! It's been awhile since I saw them. Last time they were Loch Ness monsters.

**K-9. **But the Borad was the Loch Ness monster, Master.

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, come on, no one pays attention to "Timelash"! Let's go!

_The waitress leaves the check, which _**THE DOCTOR **_tactfully ignores. _**SARAH JANE **_wearily pays it._

**ROSE. **Doctor, I'm sorry, but it's confrontation time. You have a lot to own up to. _Forty years, _in fact.

**THE DOCTOR. **Sorry, never seem to have the time. It's part of my allure.

**ROSE. **Love 'em and leave 'em, is it?

**THE DOCTOR. **Who said anything about love?! **ROSE **_looks furious._ Look, you can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can't spend the rest of my life with you.

**PARODY WRITER. **Sniff.

**THE DOCTOR. **Or to put it another way . . .

_Song. _**THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I COULD DO **(Jacobs/Casey)

**THE DOCTOR. **THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I COULD DO

THEN TO TAKE A FRIEND OR TWO—

OR MAYBE MORE LIKE TEN—

NOT JUST GIRLS BUT ALSO MEN . . .

IN THE TARDIS, BUT DON'T CONSTRUE

THAT THEY MEAN THE SAME AS YOU.

Uh . . . I said that wrong. Let me try again.

WHAT I MEAN, AS LORD OF TIME,

I'M NINE-HUNDRED-NINETY-NINE,

I'M LONELY AND DEPRESSED

OR HADN'T YOU NOTICED? STRESSED—

**ROSE. **SO YOU TAKE THEM ALL TO SCREW?

**THE DOCTOR. **THAT'S A THING I'D NEVER DO!

**ROSE. **HERE I THOUGHT I WAS UNIQUE—

NOW THE TRUTH IS RATHER BLEAK—

THE MAN WHO I ADORE

IS A BOUNCY E.T. MAN-WHORE—

**THE DOCTOR. **I SUPPOSE IT COULD BE TRUE,

BUT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS I COULD DO.

ROSE, YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE—

YOU'LL DIE LONG BEFORE I DO

INDEED, WHAT KIND OF FUN

TO COMMIT MYSELF TO ONE?

_He takes out his wallet and shows her photos of all the companions. She raises her eyebrow at Adric._

**THE DOCTOR. **In FACT I'LL BE YOU NEVER KNEW.

BUT TO BACKSTORY IN FRONT OF YOU

THAT'S THE WORST THING I COULD DO-HOO!

_The next day at school, _**ROSE, THE DOCTOR, **_and _**SARAH JANE **_go in._

**THE DOCTOR. **_(to _**MICKEY**Stay with the car and the dog.

**MICKEY. **I _am _the tin dog.

**K-9. **Affirmative.

_In the pool room, _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MR FINCH **_circle each other warily._

**THE DOCTOR. **This is a really dramatic scene.

**MR FINCH. **Yes, and everyone thinks one of us is going to end up in the pool.

**THE DOCTOR. **Suckaz.

**MR FINCH. **Yeah, I know. Though what's the purpose of it, really, other than to establish that I know that you know that I'm a Krillitane?

**THE DOCTOR. **Dunno, other than to give me good lines and add to mystique.

**MR FINCH. **Time to go now?

**THE DOCTOR. **Yup.

**THE DOCTOR **_walks into the Maths room to hear _**SARAH JANE **_and _**ROSE **_laughing at him._

**THE DOCTOR. **What's so funny?

**SARAH JANE. **You!

**THE DOCTOR. **What?

**ROSE. **She told me that you wear footed pajamas to bed and have a stuffed panda named Mike and you drool all over your pillow.

**SARAH JANE. **And she told me you—

**THE DOCTOR. **Ack!

**SARAH JANE. **Anyway, we've bonded now.

**THE DOCTOR. **Good. It's time for another song.

_Song. _**CHIP POWER (GREASED LIGHTNIN') **(Jacobs/Casey)

**MR FINCH. **(_to the other Krillitanes) _COMRADES WE'RE READY TO MOVE INTO THE FINAL PHASE, OH YEAH

**KRILLITANES. **KEEP TALKIN, WHOA, KEEP TALKIN'

**MR FINCH. **WE'RE LOCKIN' DOWN THE SITE AND ENDING ALL THESE KIDS SCHOOL DAYS', OH YEAH (_he sends a message over the PA system telling the kids to go to class and the staff to meet in the staff room_)

**KRILLITANES. **WE GET TO BE GODS, YOU BET, BE GODS

**MR FINCH. **GET THE KIDS TO DO THE TOIL, THERE IS NOTHING HERE TO SPOIL

**KRILLITANES. **THE STAFF ARE REALLY YUMMY, THAT IS IN THE TUMMY— _(they devour the staff_)

CHIP POWER!

_In the Maths room . . ._

**THE DOCTOR. **Deadlock seal! Even the sonic screwdriver can't break through that.

**ROSE. **Refresh my memory—is there _any _logic to the sonic screwdriver at all?!

**SARAH JANE. **None at all. Except when he uses it to pluck his nose hairs.

**THE DOCTOR. **(_coloring_) Hey!

_The kids are hooked into the computer program, which is switched on. Numbers and green stuff goes on a big screen._

**KIDS. **GO CHIP POWER

**THE DOCTOR. **THEY'RE WORKING ON THE PARADIGM!

**KIDS. **CHIP POWER, GO CHIP POWER

**THE DOCTOR. **NO, CHIP POWER!

**MR FINCH. **THEIR YOUTHFUL MINDS WORK JUST FINE!

**KIDS. **CHIP POWER, GO CHIP POWER

**THE DOCTOR. **WITH THIS, THEY'RE GODS

**MR FINCH. **WE'RE LUCKY SODS!

FROM CHIP POWER!

Doctor, you could join us. I'd give you Rose _and _Sarah Jane as bonuses.

**SARAH JANE. **Don't do it, Doctor! Everything's time comes and goes! Everything dies!

**THE DOCTOR. **Yes, I know. But just to be dramatic— (_He throws a chair at the screen)_

_Meanwhile, _**KENNY **_has escaped. He runs to the sealed-off doors to gesture to _**MICKEY.**

**MICKEY. **Oh my God, what amma gonna do? I'd better ask the metal dog 'cause I'm obviously too stupid to figure it out myself.

**K-9. **Affirmative.

_They ram the car into the school._

**K-9. **Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

**MICKEY. **_jumping out of the car, into the school_) COME WITH ME, K-9, WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THE DAY, OH YEAH

TEAM MICKEY, GO TEAM MICKEY

**KENNY. **HERE, I'LL BE CLEVER AND HIT THIS ALARM— _(observes the effect on the _**KRILLITANES) **NO WAY—OH YEAH

TEAM KENNY, GO TEAM KENNY

**THE DOCTOR. **(_to _**K-9) **WE'VE GOTTA USE THE OIL, THE KRILLITANES WE'LL BOIL

**K-9. **I'LL SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR MY MASTER'S BETTER HEALTH

TEAM K-9! 

**THE DOCTOR. **You're a good dog, K-9.

**K-9. **Affirmative.

**THE DOCTOR. **This episode may be a bit sentimental and simplistic, but it's got its heart in the right places.

**K-9. **Hence, I deduce, why the Parody Writer paired it with _Grease. _

**PARODY WRITER. **Affirmative.

**THE DOCTOR, ROSE, **_and _**SARAH JANE **_escape, with _**K-9 **_staying behind in the kitchens. _**MICKEY **_and _**KENNY **_get the kids out._ _The school blows up_.

**KIDS. **GO TEAM KENNY

YOU GOT US OUT OF SCHOOL FOR A YEAR!

TEAM KENNY, GO TEAM KENNY!

**SARAH JANE. **DOCTOR, WHERE'S K9?—I THOUGHT HE WAS HERE—

TEAM K9, GO TEAM K-9 . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **OH SARAH JANE,

I'M TO BLAME—

POOR K-9!

_Later, outside the _**TARDIS . . .**

**ROSE. **Doctor, can we _please _end this? It's gone on for nine pages already.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, absolutely. Sarah, you want to come with us?

**SARAH JANE. **No, don't really fancy threesomes. Or . . . foursomes.

**MICKEY. **Does she mean me? **ROSE **_mouths 'no.'_

**THE DOCTOR. **Sure. **ROSE **_and _**MICKEY **_go into _**THE TARDIS. **Here, this is for you.

**SARAH JANE. **Another K-9! Well, well, he's like the Energizer Bunny! And Doctor, if you hadn't guessed already, I love you I love you I love you, as much or more than when you were tall and bohemian and had bad teeth but were loveable and magnificent and—

**THE DOCTOR. **Um . . . _my _Sarah Jane! (_hugs her_)

**SARAH JANE. **Oh, Doctor, kiss me!

**THE DOCTOR. **Um, sorry, I don't do that.

**SARAH JANE. **Is it because I'm old?!

**THE DOCTOR. **No, I just don't kiss people.

**PARODY WRITER. **Liar.

**THE DOCTOR **_leaves, and _**SARAH JANE **_walks off with _**K-9.**

**SARAH JANE. **Thus a spin-off was born. Again.

Next time: Scene Four. Girl in the Fireplace. (_Passion_)


	5. Act One, Scene Four

V. Scene Five. Girl in the Fireplace. (_Passion, _with a touch of _Jekyll/Hyde_)

**THE TARDIS **_materializes on a spaceship. _**MICKEY, ROSE, **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_step out._

**MICKEY. **Whoa! A spaceship on my first go!

**ROSE. **Well, it was either that or an alien planet or Earff—not much choice when it comes down to it.

**THE DOCTOR. **I'm just gonna be paradoxical over here.

**MICKEY. **And I'm gonna be unwittin'ly cannibalistic. Smells like Sunday lunch.

**THE DOCTOR. **That's not something you see every day.

**MICKEY. **What?

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, technobabble, gobbledygook, something I just made up.

**STEVEN MOFFAT. **Actually, _I _made it up.

_Song. _**OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE (HAPPINESS). **(Sondheim)

**THE DOCTOR. **OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE

**ROSE. **WHAT'S IT DOING ON A SHIP?

**MICKEY. **OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **(_he looks through it; a girl looks back at him) _OH ISN'T THIS A TRIP?

WHO ARE YOU THEN, MAM'SELLE?

**YOUNG REINETTE. **I AM CALLED REINETTE!

**THE DOCTOR. **THIS IS SOME OLD FIREPLACE . . .

Cool. Eighteenth-century France.

**MICKEY. **The TARDIS even translates French? Can I make more French jokes?

**THE DOCTOR. **Make all you want! We've got forty-five minutes to fill, and I can't keep milking the routine fire-check one.

_He sets off the revolving mantle and walks through to _**REINETTE'_s _**_room._

**THE DOCTOR. **OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE

THIS IS EIGHTEENTH CENTURY, IS IT NOT?

**YOUNG REINETTE. **(YES, M'SIEUR, WHO ARE YOU?)

**THE DOCTOR. **OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE (_he glances a the broken clock)_

WHAT IS THAT ANNOYING TICKTOCK?

**YOUNG REINETTE. **(WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BEDROOM?)

**THE DOCTOR. **CAREFUL THERE, YOUNG REINETTE

WE'RE TREADING WOBBLY GROUND

IT'S A BIT PERVY, REINETTE

I THINK I'M GOING TO DROWN

IN INNUENDO

**YOUNG REINETTE. **WHAT'S INNUENDO?

**THE DOCTOR. **THIS IS SO MUCH MORE

THAN ANY OTHER FRENCH FIREPLACE . .

Here, Reinette, get on your bed.

**YOUNG REINETTE. **Gasp!

**THE DOCTOR. **There's a man-sized clock-thing in the room somewhere, and I don't mean me. And pretend you're on an airplane. Keep your tray table in the upright position and your hands and legs inside the conveyance.

_She gets on the bed. He looks underneath it._

**THE DOCTOR. **Don't look.

_She looks._

**THE DOCTOR. **Aaaah! Creepy-looking clockwork person stolen from Justin Richards! I mean, don't be afraid, Reinette. Even monsters have nightmareS.

**YOUNG REINETTE. **WHAT KIND OF NIGHTMARES, SIR?

**THE DOCTOR. **THAT'S JUST IT—OF ME!

**ROBOT. **SHE IS INCOMPLETE--

**YOUNG REINETTE. **SIR?

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, THIS IS QUITE A TREAT!

_He grabs the _**ROBOT** _and pulls it with him onto the spaceship._

**THE DOCTOR. **FIRE EXTINGUISHER;

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!

**ROSE. **What, me?

**THE DOCTOR. **Nah, this clockwork thingee. That just teleported away.

**ROSE **_and _**MICKEY **_stare at him._

**THE DOCTOR. **Tell you what, you two wait here and I'm gonna go after that pre-pubescent girl. See ya.

_He runs back into the fireplace. The furnishings have changed. Grown-up _**REINETTE **_stands before him. He has his glasses on, and she pants._ _He plays idly with a nearby harp._

**THE DOCTOR. **Some veiled reference to "The Five Doctors" before I ask you, nice deep-bosomed woman, where Reinette went.

**REINETTE. **A-HEM! I'm Reinette, and I'm so uppity I order my own mother around.

**THE DOCTOR. **_You're _Reinette?

**REINETTE. **How terribly impolite of you, Fireplace Man, to stare at my breasts. Persistence, yaddah yaddah, imaginary friend, you seem to be flesh and blood. _(grabs him) _I've known you since I was seven years old. Now I'd like to know you in the Biblical sense.

**THE DOCTOR. **Um.

**REINETTE. **You're still staring. Reason should dictate—

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, forget reason! It never meant much this season anyway!

_She pulls him closer._

**THE DOCTOR. **THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE ODD. . .

**REINETTE. **(YOUR EYES, YOUR LIPS, YOUR HAIR!)

**THE DOCTOR. **I CAN'T CONCENTRATE—OH GOD—

**REINETTE. **(YOUR ARSE—I WANT YOU EVERY MINUTE OF MY LIFE!)

**SERVANT. **Mademoiselle!

**REINETTE **_snogs him. There is tongue. She runs off._

**THE DOCTOR. **I'll just be a completely self-involved, stupid egomaniac and proclaim I snogged Madame de Pompadour!

_He disappears back toward the ship. He randomly finds a horse._

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, wow, a horse. I think I'll call you Arthur, 'cause that's so not French. Rose, where are you? I want you to join in a threesome . . .

**THE DOCTOR **_opens a door on _**REINETTE **_and her ladies. _Jaws Theme _plays._

**REINETTE. **Blah, blah, blah.

**LADY. **Is something wrong?

**REINETTE. **Er, no.

**THE DOCTOR. **Don't mind me, just being a bit voyeuristic. Don' even know why this scene is in other than to prove we can shoot on location. Even if this is Wales, not Versailles.

_Meanwhile, _**MICKEY **_and _**ROSE **_play._

_Song. _**SPACESHIP BANTER (SOLDIER'S GOSSIP) **(Sondheim)

**MICKEY. **DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?

**ROSE. **YEAH, BUT WHO CARES?

**MICKEY. **Oh, I see.

AN EYEBALL! WICKED!

**ROSE. **OOH, HOW WEIRD, IT STARES!

WELL, NOW THERE'S A BLOODY HEART

**MICKEY. **THIS AVERAGE FOR YOU LOT?

**ROSE. **WITH THE DOCTOR, AVERAGE'S NOT

ON THE MENU

**MICKEY. **ON THE MENU?

**THE DOCTOR **_runs in._

**THE DOCTOR. **ON THE MENU!

**ROSE. **Where've you been?

**THE DOCTOR. **Stalking a woman from the eighteenth century. I mean, that's what these clockwork robot things are doing. Yeah. They have these windows to all these points in her life. Ooh, this one's a mirror.

**MICKEY. **Can we watch 'em undressing?

**THE DOCTOR. **Nah, I'm just gonna do some exposition for a bit for those who never studied France at all. Madame de Pompadour is about to become Louis XV's mistress, and you're going to liken it to . . .

**ROSE. **Camilla!

**THE DOCTOR. **Because our goal is dumb things down and make them accessible for a _Heat-_savvy audience. Oh my God! She's getting attacked by the robot! I must save her!

_He dives in and confronts another _**ROBOT.**

**REINETTE. **Fireplace Man!

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? ANSWER ME!  
**REINETTE. **I COMPEL YOU TO REPLY!

**ROBOT. **WE DID NOT HAVE THE PARTS, YOU SEE

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, THE CREW DID NOT MULTIPLY . . .

**EVERYONE. **Ewwww.

**ROBOT. **ONE MORE PART IS REQUIRED

SHE IS INCOMPLETE—

**THE DOCTOR. **THEN SHE'LL BE WIRED?

**ROBOT. **TELEPORT!

**THE DOCTOR. **TELEPORT?

**EVERYONE. **TELEPORT . . .

**MICKEY **_and _**ROSE **_run off._

**THE DOCTOR. **We're gonna mind-meld now, 'kay?

_He puts his hands on her face_

**REINETTE. **You're in my head.

**THE DOCTOR. **It's a bit squishy, but you'll get used to it. You have power to close doors over anything you don't want me to see, okay? Perhaps that bit there—and um, that too—

**PARODY WRITER. **Sorry, that was mine.

**REINETTE. **Why are you doing this again?

**THE DOCTOR. **Dunno, but it feels good, doesn't it?

**REINETTE. **Yes, Doctor, ooh, Doctor . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **How did you find out my name?

**REINETTE. **Doctor Who? You're lonely and pathetic and stuff, aren't you? (_he pulls away) _Come on. Let's _dance._

**THE DOCTOR. **'Kay. I can minuet quite nicely.

**REINETTE. **No, I mean _dance. _

**THE DOCTOR. **I can do the twist, too, the mashed potato, the phoney baloney . . .

**REINETTE. **I mean _DANCE. _

**THE DOCTOR. **I CAN'T.

**REINETTE. **Okay, come get drunk with me instead.

**THE DOCTOR. **Cheers.

**MICKEY **_and _**ROSE **_have been captured by the clockwork people. They are about to get their faces sliced open._

_Song. _**IS THIS A BIT GROTESQUE? (IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL LOVE?) **(Sondheim)

**ROSE. **IS THIS A BIT GROTESQUE?

THIS CUTTIN' US WITH BLADES 'N STUFF?

**MICKEY. **YES, I THINK IT IS GROTESQUE.

SO LET ME GET THE PLAN STRAIGHT:

YOU OPEN UP WINDOWS INTO THE LIFE

OF A WOMAN WHO'S BRAIN YOU WANT?

THE SHIP IS 37, YOU'RE WAITING TIL SHE'S 37

**ROBOT. **YES, YOU ARE COMPATABLE.

**MICKEY. **WE'RE GONNA DIE!

**THE DOCTOR **_walks in with a wine glass and his tie around his forehead. And he seems to have acquired dark glasses from somewhere._

_Song. _**JUST A BANANA DAQUIRI (JUST ANOTHER LOVE STORY) **(Sondheim)

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, THOSE FRENCH KNOW HOW TO PAR-TAY!

**ROSE. **LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU'D THINK THAT I WAS WASTED—

**ROSE. **OH, I JUST CAN'T WIN!

**THE DOCTOR. **JUST A BANANA DAQUIRI,

I THINK I'VE JUST INVENTED

A FEW CENTURIES TOO EARLY

BUT DAMN, BANANAS ARE GOOD!

Thick, thick, thickey-thick-thick!

**ROSE. **What? You?

**THE DOCTOR. **Nah.

_He dumps wine onto the _**ROBOTS. **_They briefly short circuit. He frees _**ROSE **_and _**MICKEY.**

**ROSE. **Good! I was starting to feel like I was in "Vengeance on Varos."

**THE DOCTOR. **You were beginning to look it. The crimped hair thing just isn't working out for you. Did they purposely try to make you look as unattractive as possible to contrast with the bosomy Madame de Pompadour?

**ROSE. **Oi! Stop being a jerk for just once second—

**MICKEY. **Sarah Jane Smith, Cleopatra, Madame de Pompadour . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **Quiet, you two! I have to save Reinette! Where are my Zeus plugs?

**ROSE. **Why don't you look up your—

**ARTHUR **_nickers._

**ROSE. **You're not keepin' the horse.

**THE DOCTOR. **He can sleep with Mickey.

**MICKEY. **Ewww.

**THE DOCTOR. **Rose, just go warn Reinette.

**ROSE. **Confront my rival, you mean?

**THE DOCTOR. **It'll build character. Put hair on your chest.

**ROSE. **Just what I need.

**REINETTE **_turns around to see _**ROSE.**

_Song. _**IN HIS EYES **(Wildhorn/Bricusse)

**ROSE. **MADAME DE POMPADOUR

I GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE DOCTOR

**REINETTE. **IF THIS IS TRUE

THEN WHY DID HE SEND YOU?

**ROSE. **THEY'LL BE HERE IN FIVE YEARS

I CAN'T GIVE YOU AN EXACT

DATE. TO EXPLAIN—

**REINETTE. **EXPLAIN!

**ROSE. **OKAY, HERE GOES—ON A SHIP

UM, NEVER MIND—LET'S JUST SKIP—

**REINETTE. **EXTENDED METAPHOR TO PROVE I'M

INTELLIGENT AND IN MY PRIME

**ROSE. **DAMN IT, HE'S RIGHT, RIGHT ABOUT YOU

**REINETTE. **WHAT ON EARTH AM I TO DO?

BY LOOKING IN HIS EYES

WILL I SEE BEYOND TOMORROW?

**ROSE. **HE PROMISES—HE TRIES—

THAT HE'LL BE THERE—

**REINETTE. **CAN I BORROW

YOUR TISSUE?

THE MONSTERS AND THE LONELY GOD,

WE MUST HAVE THE PAIR

**ROSE. **ON AND ON THE PLOT MAY PLOD

BUT CAN WE SHARE?

**REINETTE. **I KNOW HIS EVERY LOOK—

HIS EYES—

**ROSE. **YOU SEE HOW LONG IT TOOK—

HIS EYES—

**BOTH. **TO SAY THAT LINE ABOUT

ANGELS AND DEMONS!

**REINETTE. **ROSE, YOU KNOW

THE DOCTOR IS WORTH

ALL THE MONSTERS EVER MADE—

**BOTH. **(_point to a photo of Steven Moffat)_IN HIS EYES!

**ROSE. **That was a really cheesy line. Puh-leaze.

**REINETTE. **Shut up, biotch. It was poetic, something you could never aspire to be.

**ROSE. **Look, I already survived a mud wrestling contest with his old companion. If you get any ideas, I'll glass yer!

**REINETTE. **You little chav cow! Did he _snog _you? Did he play suck-and-blow with you at a drunken banana daiquiri invention party? Did he lick--?

**ROSE. **He's licked _everything! _

**REINETTE **_hurls a Dresden shepherdess figurine at _**ROSE. ROSE **_reluctantly withdraws._ _Screams are heard. _**KING LOUIS **_freaks out._

**MICKEY. **Um, hello, why can't we use the TARDIS?

**THE DOCTOR. **Don't be stupid! There's never an easy fix in a situation like this! Why don't you have a truck?

**MICKEY. **More to the point, why is my function reduced to ramming things with vehicles?

**THE ROBOTS **_terrorize _**REINETTE **_et al._

**REINETTE. **Shut up! We are French, honh honh honh.

**ROBOT. **Okay, then we will guillotine you.

**REINETTE. **That's not what I meant! Bladdy-blah, yaddah yaddah, where are you Doctor?

**THE DOCTOR **_rides _**ARTHUR **_through the mirror as the Overture to _Phantom of the Opera _plays._

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, the subtextualists will have a field day with this one.

**STEVEN MOFFAT. **I think I'll be clever and have her refer to Louis XV as "my lover."

**REINETTE. **This is my lover, the King of France.

**MOFFAT. **I think the Doctor should be defensive and macho.

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the Lord of Time. I'm here to fix a broken clock, use Seventh Doctor tactics, and pun outrageously.

**THE ROBOTS **_self-combust._ **ROSE **_stares forlornly into the distance and weeps._

**MICKEY. **What are you advertisin'?

**ROSE. **Dunno. Could be perfume, could be shampoo, could be medicine for indigestion.

**MICKEY. **Well, pout some more—I like it.

**REINETTE **_hands _**THE DOCTOR **_some wine._

**THE DOCTOR. **In one episode you've transformed me into a lush. How about that.

**REINETTE. **You don't seem too concerned about the fact that a) you'll never see Rose again; b) you've trapped her and Mickey on a spaceship; c) you have to adapt to pre-indoor plumbing conditions. You even offered to pay. You never offer to pay.

**THE DOCTOR. **Yeah, I tell you, it's this wine. It gives one a whole new perspective.

**REINETTE. **Oh, my lonely angel . . . we're going to have mind-blowing sex and then I'll be noble and show you a secret plot loophole.

**THE DOCTOR. **'Kay.

_Back on the spaceship, _**THE DOCTOR **_returns and hugs _**ROSE.**

**THE DOCTOR. **Sorry, gotta run.

**THE DOCTOR **_runs back into the fireplace._

**THE DOCTOR. **Why's it so dark and gloomy? Oh I get it, somber moment.

**LOUIS **_appears._

**THE DOCTOR. **All right?

**LOUIS. **Good Lord, she was right. You haven't aged a day.

**THE DOCTOR. **Um, thanks. Say, where did you get your cravat?

**LOUIS. **BBC Rent-a-Necktie.

**THE DOCTOR**. Yeah, thought so. (_chews his fingernails) _She's dead, isn't she? That's her coffin outside on the bier, isn't it?

**LOUIS. **That was supposed to be a surprise! I was supposed to reveal it and make you feel really guilty!

**THE DOCTOR. **Sorry.

**LOUIS. **Dammit, you _will _feel guilty!

_Song. _**NO ONE HAS EVER LOVED ME **(Sondheim)

**LOUIS. **DON'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S ENDURED, DOCTOR?

WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS ENDURED?

**THE DOCTOR. **A PRIVILEGED LIFE AT THE FRENCH COURT?

**LOUIS. **NO, YOU INSENSITIVE--!

WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS ENDURED, DOCTOR . . .

**THE DOCTOR **_ponders._

**THE DOCTOR. **NO ONE HAS EVER LOVED ME

AS THAT WOMAN HAS!

**ROSE. **(_shouts from offstage) _Oi! What about me?!

**THE DOCTOR. **NO ONE HAS TRULY SHOWN ME

WHAT LOVE COULD BE LIKE,

UNTIL NOW . . .

**SARAH JANE SMITH. **(_shouts from offstage) _ Me too!

**THE DOCTOR. **I'M A BOOR, I'M A BOOR . . .

**LOUIS. **If you tell me what moisturizer you use I'll give you this letter she wrote to you.

**THE DOCTOR. **Come on, give me that letter.

**LOUIS. **Not until you tell me!

**THE DOCTOR. **Fine! Oil of Olay Age Reduction! And a lot of positronic energy!

**LOUIS **_hands him the letter. _**THE DOCTOR **_stuffs it in his pocket._

**THE DOCTOR. **THEY WERE WRONG, I'M NOT ASEXUAL

THEY WERE WRONG

IF STEVEN MOFFATT WANTS TO SEX ME UP

THAT'S OKAY

**TEENY BOPPER FANS. **THAT'S OKAY!

**THE DOCTOR. **AND I KNOW NOW THAT I LOVE REINETTE!

AND WE SHOULD HAVE HIT THE SACK!

AND I LOVE REINETTE!

I SHOULD HAVE HAD HER ON HER BACK!

**LOUIS **_looks away in disgust. _**THE DOCTOR **_wanders back toward _**THE TARDIS, **_despite a puzzled-looking _**MICKEY **_and _**ROSE.**

**THE DOCTOR. **AND THOUGH EV'RYONE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

'CAUSE I HAD A GRANDDAUGHTER, IT'S TRUE

IT'S GOING TO SHOCK, YES, INDEED

THEY WERE WRONG, THEY WERE WRONG

**ROSE. **Doctor, do you want a hug?

**THE DOCTOR. **No. After spending most of the past two seasons making googly eyes at you, I'm going to push you away because there's a new girl on the block with deeper bosoms. Now I'm going to be all gloomy and pathetic.

**ROSE. **Oh. Okay.

**MICKEY. **Rose, will you stick your tongue in my ear?

**ROSE. **Yeah, why not? Come on.

_As they leave, _**THE DOCTOR **_takes out _**REINETTE**_'s letter and reads it._

_Song. _**LETTER SONG. **(Sondheim)

**REINETTE. **I DON'T KNOW HOW I LED YOU

SO FAR INSIDE MY MIND

BUT THERE YOU ARE AND THERE YOU WILL STAY

HOW COULD I EVER WISH YOU AWAY?

**THE DOCTOR. **I SEE NOW I WAS BLIND!

**REINETTE. **AND SHOULD I DIE TOMORROW

ANOTHER THING I SEE

YOUR LOVE WILL LIVE IN ME

**THE DOCTOR. **YOUR LOVE WILL LIVE IN ME . . .

**REINETTE. **YOUR LOVE WITH LIVE IN ME . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **YOUR LOVE WILL LIVE IN ME . . .

_As _**THE TARDIS **_flies away from the ship, we see its name written on the hull: _S S Pompadour.

**PARODY WRITER. **Yeah, why would anyone in their right mind name a ship after Mme de Pompadour?

**THE DOCTOR. **Shut up, you're ruining the moment.

**PARODY WRITER. ** Yes, okay, sorry.

_Grand flourish of romantic music._

Next time: Scene Five. Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel. (_Sweeney Todd_)


	6. Act one, Scene Five

VI. Scene Five. Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel. (_Sweeney Todd_)

_A bare stage. _**THE DOCTOR **_walks on._

_Song. _**THE BALLAD OF LUMIC, JOHN (THE BALLAD OF SWEENEY TODD) **(Sondheim)

**THE DOCTOR. **ATTEND THE TALE OF LUMIC, JOHN

HE DARED TO MAKE HIMSELF ICON

HE THOUGHT THAT FRANKENSTEIN HE WOULD PLAY

MAD SCIENTIST TO THE FULLEST CLICHÉ!

CONCLUSION (DEATH) WAS ALL FOREGONE,

FOR LUMIC, JOHN

CYBUS COMPANY'S LEADER.

**LUMIC **_grins maniacally from his chair._

**DR KENDRICK. **It's working. It'll even make toast!

**LUMIC. **You mustn't use such language around my children. I must revel in my insane megalomania! Say it! Say it!

**KENDRICK. **It's . . . _alive_!

**LUMIC. **You, however, are not.

**KENDRICK. **I don't understand.

**LUMIC. **Didn't you see "Boom Town"? It's practically the same thing.

_A _**CYBERMAN **_electrocutes _**KENDRICK.**

**LUMIC. **It's electric! YOU CAN FEEL IT, IT'S ELECTRIC!

**THE CYBERMEN **_do The Electric Slide._

**PARODY WRITER. **Now _that's _scary.

**THE DOCTOR. **SMILE YOUR MANIC SMILE, LUMIC

NOW THAT CYBERMEN

'LECTROCUTE INSTEAD OF SHOOT—

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **NEVER AGAIN!

_Meanwhile, in the _**TARDIS . . . **

**THE DOCTOR. **Mickey, you can, uh, let go of whatever you're holding. Could have done twenty-nine minutes ago.

**MICKEY. **Thanks a lot.

**THE DOCTOR. **Sorry, I've got to be a bit of a jerk for awhile.

**ROSE. **Me too! _They laugh and collapse into each other's arms_

**ROSE. **OUR NEEDS ARE FEW, THE TARDIS BARE—

**THE DOCTOR. **EXCEPT WHEN IT FALLS INTO DISREPAIR—

_Explosion_

SORRY, KIDS, THIS IS OUR LAST STOP—

_They exit._

**MICKEY. **(AND MICKEY BECOMES A BIT MORE THAN A PROP)

**ROSE **_approaches a hologram of _**PETE TYLER**

**ROSE. **HEY THERE'S MY DAD IN BRIGHT NEON—

_Cut to _**PETE **_getting out of an expensive car._

**PETE. **OH, LUMIC, JOHN

CYBUS COMPANY'S LEADER.

_Cut to the headquarters of _**THE PREACHERS.**

**JAKE. **DIABOLICAL LUMIC WAS,

**RICKY. **PICKING MEN OFF THE STREET HE WAS

**MRS MOORE. **CURRENT AFFAIRS, FEARS THAT ARE REAL

_Cut to _**JACKIE **_coming down the stairs._

**JACKIE. **EVEN WITH MONEY, I'M HARDLY GENTEEL

_In the street . . ._

**ROSE. **THE DOCTOR PONDERED,

**THE DOCTOR. **ROSE TYLER PLANNED,

_In the van . . ._

**MR CRANE. **NOTHING WAS WILDER THAN WHAT HE PLANNED

_In the Zeppelin; the following is sung overlapping with increasing dissonance as the entire cast comes on stage._

**THE PRESIDENT. **LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

**PETE. **THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

**MEN. **LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

**WOMEN. **THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

**MEN. **LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

**WOMEN. **THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

**MEN. **LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

**WOMEN. **THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

**EVERYONE. **LUMIC! LUMIC! LUMIC! LUMIC! LUUUUUUUUUMIC!

**LUMIC **_arrives, flanked by _**CYBERMEN.**

**LUMIC. **ATTEND THE TALE OF LUMIC, JOHN

**EVERYONE. ** ATTEND THE TALE OF LUMIC, JOHN

**LUMIC. **WHO VILLAINS BEGAN TO PASS THE BATON

**EVERYONE. **WHO VILLAINS BEGAN TO PASS THE BATON

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT HAPPENED NEXT—WE'D TELL YOU, SURE

IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE PAGES OF THIS TO ENDURE

**LUMIC. **FOR LUMIC

FOR LUMIC, JOHN

FROM THE CYBERSOFA . . . OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM . . .

_Everyone vanishes aside from _**MICKEY, ROSE, **_and _**THE DOCTOR, **_who are left in the street by the _**TARDIS.**

_Song. _**THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON **(Sondheim)

**ROSE**_ and_** THE DOCTOR. **WE'VE ROAMED THROUGH TIME

BEHELD ITS WONDERS

FROM PLATFORM ONE

TO A CARDIFF CITY MORGUE

**MICKEY. **BUT THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!

IT FEELS LIKE HOME AGAIN . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **YEAH, CHECK OUT THOSE ZEPPELINS OVERHEAD . . .

**ROSE. **THERE'S QUITE A SMORGASBORG

**MICKEY. **NO, THERE'S

**THE DOCTOR. **NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!

**ROSE. **Do Zeppelins really sound like trains?

**THE DOCTOR. **Dunno. (_to _**MICKEY**) Did you just make a crack about London being a lost dimension?

**MICKEY. **Did you just create an explosion that makes no sense other than to get us to the end of the season?

**THE DOCTOR. **It wasn't my idea. (_looks meaningfully upward)_

**ROSE **_stares at the _**PETE **_hologram._

**ROSE. **It's my dad. Sappy "Father's Day" music is playing!

**PETE HOLOGRAM. **I'm annoying as hell, you can trust me on this.

**THE DOCTOR. **You can't see him, not ever! Otherwise you get all sticky in gingerbread and I mix my metaphors, and then I sulk . . .

**ROSE. **I'm gonner play with my mobile—

**THE DOCTOR. **You could play with _my _mobile—

**ROSE. **You haven't got one—

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh, _haven_'t I?

**MICKEY. **A-HEM!

**ROSE. **Yeah, me an' my mobile, 'cause I'm that pathetic.

**THE DOCTOR. **Okay, me and Mickey will spend some much overdue quality time together trying to fix the TARDIS.

**MICKEY **_proceeds to look scared._

_At the Tyler mansion . . ._

**PETE. **Remind me why we live in the Vale of Glamorgan.

**JACKIE. **Nah, haven't got time. Got to use all my lines to cleverly explain about my fortieth birthday party, drop a hint that Rose is a dog—

**PETE. **Like we couldn't see _that _coming—

**JACKIE. **–and give Lumic all the secrets so he can crash the party later.

**PETE. **'Kay.

_In the _**TARDIS **_…_

**THE DOCTOR. **Ding dong, the TARDIS is dead. Extinct. (_kicks it_)

**MICKEY. **Did that hurt?

**THE DOCTOR. **Yes.

**MICKEY. **You're an excitable little git, aren't you?

**THE DOCTOR **_kicks him._

**THE DOCTOR. **Did _that _hurt? Ooh, look, a light, we're saved.

**MICKEY. **Is that the Shankara stone from _Indiana Jones? _

**THE DOCTOR. **No, silly. It's a magical, quick-fix-it device in the vein of the sonic screwdriver and psychic paper. (_blows on it_) I've just given ten years of my life.

**MICKEY. **As . . . you . . . wish.

**THE DOCTOR. **Wrong fandom. I'm just demonstrating the skills I learned from playing suck-and-blow with Reinette earlier.

**MICKEY. **How come it's on a 24 hour recharging cycle? Not six hours or 98?

**THE DOCTOR. **More to the point, did you realize that violent kicking is sometimes considered foreplay?

**MICKEY. **Ewww, Doctor, no.

**THE DOCTOR. **Sorry. I'm so randy these days I can't tell who I'm meant to seduce.

**MICKEY. **Should we check on Rose, maybe?

_At the dockyards, _**MR CRANE **_arrives with the van. Homeless people and _**JAKE **_watch._

**NO PLACE LIKE LONDON **cont'd.

**MR CRANE. **HERE'S A VAN THAT'S COME WHAT WILL APPEAL

TO THE HOMELESS—YOU GET HAPPY MEALS

**HOMELESS GUY. **SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A PRETTY GOOD DEAL

FOR GUYS STARVIN' ON THE STREETS OF LONDON

**MR CRANE. **AND I ASK THE BOSS WHY DON'T WE GO

TO AFRICA, OR JUAREZ, MEXICO

WHERE PEOPLE ARE LESS LIKELY TO BE MISSED

BUT THAT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

**JAKE **_tries to dissuade the homeless people from getting in the van._

**JAKE. **NO! YOU'RE NEVER SEEN AGAIN IF YOU GET IN THOSE WHEELS!

(_sigh_) THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!

_Cyberneticized people come out of the van. _**CRANE **_lines them up and gives them instruments. They play as a possessed marching band._ **LUMIC **_watches via satellite._

**MR CRANE. **It's irresistible, sir.

**LUMIC. **Then resist. It all looks so very "Dalek Invasion of Earth."

**MR CRANE. **Gasp! Sir, are there really people old enough to remember that?!

**LUMIC. **Shut up. Just put on the music so we can roll out the crap CGI.

_Back outside the _**TARDIS **

**ROSE. **Hafta cause trouble and see my dad.

**THE DOCTOR. **He's not your dad. Oy vey.

**MICKEY. **It's never gonner be me, is it?

**THE DOCTOR. **Not unless you want to get kicked again.

**MICKEY **_goes off. _**THE DOCTOR **_follows _**ROSE.**

**THE DOCTOR. **We need to manifest feelings of guilt about Mickey even though he's being written off the show.

**ROSE. **'Kay.

**THE DOCTOR. **Exposition, exposition, Cybus Industries control everything, we have to find Pete Tyler, blah, blah, I put on my glasses . . .

_The world stops for a second._

**MICKEY **_goes to "his" grandmother's door._

_Song. _**THE MOST WANTED IN LONDON (THE WORST PIES IN LONDON) **(Sondheim)

**GRAN. **IS THAT YOU?

WAIT! WHAT'S YOUR RUSH?

WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?

**MICKEY. **YOU GAVE ME SUCH A . . .

FRIGHT! I THOUGHT YOU WAS A GHOST!

**GRAN. **HALF A MINUTE, CAN'T YA SIT?

SIT YA DOWN!

SIT! (_hits him_)

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, RICKY SMITH?

**MICKEY. **IT'S MICKEY—OH NEVER MIND—

DO FORGIVE ME IF I'VE NOT BEEN A LOT OF USE

MY CHARACTER'S A BIT DIFFUSE—

**THE PREACHERS **_drive up and throw _**MICKEY **_into the van_.

**MRS MOORE. **WHERE YOU BEEN, SON?

**JAKE. **CREATE SOME SUSPENSE HERE—

YOU'RE LONDON'S MOST WANTED AT THE MO—

COURSE, YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS'LL GO . . .

**LUMIC**_'s Zeppelin._

_Song. _**AN EVIL GENIUS (A BARBER AND HIS WIFE) **(Sondheim)

**LUMIC. **THERE WAS A GENIUS, DYING FAST

SLIGHTLY HITLER-LIKE,

WHO WANTED LIFE TO LAST.

HE CAME UP WITH CYBER-METAL CASTS . . .

**PRESIDENT. **AND IT WAS UNETHICAL, AND IT WAS OBSCENE.

AND _HE _WAS INSANE.

Sorry, can't support you. Peace out.

**LUMIC. **THERE'S A HOLE IN THE WORLD LIKE A GREAT BLACK PIT

AND IT'S FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE FILLED WITH SHIT!

AND JOHN LUMIC'S STEEL TRIUMPHS OVER IT!

**MICKEY **_finds himself face-to-face with _**RICKY, **_then gets stripped and tied to a chair._

**THE MOST WANTED IN LONDON. **Contd.

**MRS MOORE. **BLINK, GIRLS, AND YOU WILL MISS IT

NOEL NEARLY STARKERS, IF YOU LIKE THAT . . .

**RICKY. **IT'S A COMMON BELIEF HERE

**MICKEY. **WE'RE THE COMIC RELIEF HERE

**BOTH. **BUT, OH NO

THE IDIOTS OF LONDON—

**MRS MOORE. **OOH, HERE'S GEMINI!

**BOTH. **. . . THE IDIOTS OF LONDON!

**MRS MOORE. **TIME TO MOVE THE PLOT, I—

**BOTH. **UGH!

_At the Tyler mansion. _**THE DOCTOR **_arrives in a tux._

**THE DOCTOR. **Doctor, the Doctor. No, it just doesn't work. Not the martini type, really.

**ROSE. **You look hot, though.

**THE DOCTOR. **Thanks, so do you.

**ROSE. **Hence I get to be jealous for no reason. Hang on, I've got to assume my Sarah Brightman chipmunk look. does so

_Song. _**PETE TYLER (JOHANNA) **(Sondheim)

**ROSE. **I SEE YOU,

PETE TYLER

I SEE YOU . . .

**PETE. **MY MARRIAGE TO JACKIE'S ON THE ROCKS—

WHY AM I TELLING THE MAID?

**ROSE. **BIT INCESTUOUS, AIN'T THIS, POPS?

MUM-JACKIE,

I SEE YOU,

MUM-JACKIE,

I HEAR YOU . . .

**JACKIE. **YOU'RE OUTRAGEOUS—WHAT DID YOU THINK?

SMILE YOUR SMILE, MILK OUR SECRETS

WHILE YOU OFFER ME A DRINK?

HOW DARE YOU, HIRED MAIDSERVANT!

The **CYBERMEN **_arrive._

**THE DOCTOR. **I've seen them before. They were a lot scarier then. They also didn't say stupid things like—

**CYBERMAN. **You will be deleted.

**THE DOCTOR. **You're about as menacing as a keyboard.

**ROSE. **Come on, Doctor, at least _pretend _to be scared!

**THE DOCTOR. **We surrender! Blah, blah, blah!

**CYBERMEN. **cliff hanger cliff hanger

**THE DOCTOR **_whips out the glowy crystal thing. _**THE CYBERMEN **_are all electrocuted._

**THE IDIOTS OF LONDON **contd.

**RICKY. **What the 'ell was that?

**THE DOCTOR. **Magical quick-fix-it solution enacting miraculous getaway! (_glances at _**RICKY) **IS THAT JUST DISGUSTING?

WE'VE GOT TWO MICKEYS!

_The rest of _**THE PREACHERS **_drives up._

**MRS MOORE. **GET IN HERE, OR TRUST ME—

**RICKY. **_(to _**THE DOCTOR) **YO, MY NAME IS RICKY!

**THE DOCTOR. **THE IDIOTS OF LONDON . . . (_they all make a getaway)_

NO TIME FOR JACKIE'S FATE—

**PETE **_and _**ROSE. **IS SHE--?

**THE DOCTOR. **DON'T YOU GET IT?

SET UP NEATLY FOR _DOOMSDAY._

**ROSE. **WISH YOU WOULDN'T BE SO SNIDE

**PETE**GLAD I'VE GOT THE CAT'RING STAFF ON MY SIDE.

BEFORE YOU CONDEMN ME,

I'M GEMINI, BY THE WAY—

**THE DOCTOR. (**LIKE ROSE, HE'S BLEEDIN' NOBLE ALL THE WAY)

**ROSE. **TRAITOR, NO, NOT MY DAD—

I MEAN—

**JAKE. **THINK YOU'RE ALL A LITTLE SAD!

**LUMIC **_has caused all people wearing EarPods to become zombies._

**THE DOCTOR. **STOP THE VAN—WELL, DEM ME—

THINK HUMANS LIKE THE THOUGHT OF S & M

MIND CONTROL AN' BRAINWASH AN' THEN—

NO DENYING IT'S A THEME!

_They all get out and mill around. Meanwhile, in _**LUMIC**_'s Zeppelin . . ._

**CRANE. **ARE YOU JUST REVOLTING?

YOU CRAZY OLD DESPOT!

**THE CYBERMEN **_electrocute him._

**LUMIC. **NOW WHO IS JOKING?

JUST ME AND MY ROBOTS!

**CYBERMAN. **LUMIC, YOU NEED THE ULTIMATE UPGRADE . . .

**LUMIC. **NO, I'M NOT READY!

**CYBERMAN. **AH, SIR

TIMES IS HARD,

TIMES IS HARD!

_They drag him off._ _Meanwhile, in front of the production plant . . ._

**THE DOCTOR. **Okay, everyone think about how we will stop this. I'm going to untie my tie and be sexy.

**ROSE. **I wanna help Pete rescue Jackie!!! (_grabs _**PETE_'s _**_hand and squeezes)_

**PETE**Ewww, get off.

**THE DOCTOR. **Okay, go, and stop squealing.

**MICKEY **_and _**RICKY. **We're off to have a brief existentialist debate—

**MICKEY. **–From which only one of us will return.

**JAKE. **Then I'll throw a hissy fit. Ultimately we'll become friends.

**THE DOCTOR. **Mrs Moore?

**MRS MOORE. **Yes, Doctor?

**THE DOCTOR. **(_holding out his hand_) I sense a song coming on, in three-quarter time.

_In the cooling ducts . . ._

_Song. _**COOLING DUCT WALTZ (A LITTLE PRIEST) **(Sondheim)

**THE DOCTOR. **WHAT'S THE LOOK OF THIS WORLD DOWN HERE?

**MRS MOORE. **WHAT, DOCTOR WHO?

WHAT, DOCTOR WHO?

WHAT'S ALL AROUND?

**THE DOCTOR. **THESE CLANKING TIN MEN WHO CAUSE SO MUCH FEAR!

**MRS MOORE. **YES, DOCTOR WHO!

YES, DOCTOR WHO!

THEY'RE ALL UNDERGROUND!

**THE DOCTOR. **OH MRS MOORE, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SCOFFED—

**MRS MOORE. **UNFORTUNATELY, I'M ABOUT TO GET OFFED . . .

_Meanwhile, _**ROSE **_and _**PETE**_infiltrate the factory proper._

**ROSE **_and _**PETE**Imhotep! Imhotep! Imhotep!

**ROSE. **reacts to nothing

**PETE**IT'S JACKS, THAT CYBERTHING IS JACKS

**ROSE. **HOW CAN YOU TELL?

**PETE**BY HER SMELL—OH, NO WE'RE—

**CYBERMEN. **AXED!

Take them to the Cybercontroller.

_Back in the tunnels, _**THE DOCTOR **_and _**MRS MOORE **_run from _**THE CYBERMEN. **

**THE DOCTOR. **THE ULTIMATE IN CORRIDOR-RUNNING—

**MRS MOORE. **BUT, SEE, WE'RE SHUNNING

**THE DOCTOR. **REAL VI-O-LENCE

_She shoots a _**CYBERMAN **_with an electromagnetic bomb._

**MRS MOORE. **BUT WE'RE ON THE FENCE—

**THE DOCTOR **_opens its chest cavity._

**THE DOCTOR. **GOTTA KEEP THE KIDDIES HYPER AND TENSE.

**MRS MOORE. **It's a woman.

**CYBERMAN. **Why so cold? (_dies_)

**MRS MOORE. **THE TROUBLE WITH COMPASSION IS

HOW DO YOU RATION IT— (_gets electrocuted_)

**THE DOCTOR. **(_to _**CYBERMAN) **GHOUL!

SO UNCOOL! glare glare

_He is taken away to where _**PETE**_and _**ROSE **_are being held. _**THE DOCTOR **_gurns at a camera he knows is being watched by _**MICKEY **_and _**JAKE.**

**CYBERCONTROLLER. **In cometh the Cybersofa!

**THE DOCTOR **_falls down laughing._

**THE DOCTOR. **You want everlasting peace and uniformity when you look like an overgrown vacuum?!

**CYBERCONTROLLER. **I SEE YOU'RE PROUD

OF YOUR EMOTIONS—HOW'D

YOU LIKE TO BE RID OF PAIN, SORROW

**THE DOCTOR. **WELL, MAYBE TOMORROW—NOW SCRAM!

**THE CYBERMEN **_start 'sploding. _**PETEROSE, **_and _**THE DOCTOR **_flee, pursued by the _**CYBERCONTROLLER. **

**THE DOCTOR. **WHERE'S MICKEY? DAMN,

I THINK HE'S PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH

JAKE ON THE ZEPPELIN WITH—

_In the Zeppelin, _**MICKEY **_discovers a stepladder._

**MICKEY. **WHOA!

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

QUICK FIXES WERE SO FREQUENT ON THIS SHOW!

_He throws it down. As _**THE DOCTOR **_helps _**ROSE **_climb up the ladder, they are followed by _**PETE**

**THE DOCTOR. **ARE THOSE KNICKERS?

**ROSE. **GONNER KICK YOU!

_The _**CYBERCONTROLLER **_comes out of the flames and grabs _**PETE**_'s leg._

**PETE**MERCY, NO, SIR, NO CLOSER—

MY LEG WILL BE—WHOA, SIR!

_He catches the sonic screwdriver as _**THE DOCTOR **_throws it to him._

**ROSE. **THIS IS INTENSE

**THE DOCTOR. **RATHER IT'S PRETENSE!

_The _**CYBERCONTROLLER **_falls._

**CYBERCONTROLLER. **NO-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!

**THE DOCTOR. **BYE BYE!

_On the ground again, in front of the _**TARDIS, ROSE **_confronts _**PETE.**

_Song. _**NOT WHILE I'M AROUND **(Sondheim)

**ROSE. **I'M YOUR DAUGHTER, SEE, IN A PARALLEL WORLD

**PETE**I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, I'VE GOT MY OWN WORLD

_He leaves._

**MICKEY. **Mickey's Dry Cleaning Service. (_returns _**THE DOCTOR's **_clothes) _I'm stayin'.

**ROSE. **But why?!

**MICKEY. **I'M SICK O' BEIN' TREATED AS THE THIRD WHEEL—

**ROSE. **BUT I _NEED _YOU—

**MICKEY. **OH ROSE, GROW UP, GET REAL!

**ROSE. **NO ONE WILL REPLACE YOU!

**MICKEY. **YEAH RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE SWEET.

**THE DOCTOR. **THIS IS NOT LIKE SPACE—YOU'LL

BE TRAPPED HERE—A ONE-WAY STREET!

**MICKEY. **(_to _**ROSE**) DOCTORS'LL CHARM YOU WITH A SMILE, FOR AWHILE,

BUT IN TIME . . .

**THE DOCTOR. **SO LONG, MICKEY . . .

**ROSE. **BLUBBER, CRY, CRY, FROWN!

_In the _**TARDIS, THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE **_maintain a sober silence._

**ROSE. **You gave him my mobile!

**THE DOCTOR. **You can get another one! What's the big deal?

**ROSE. **There were some . . . photos of a personal nature on that phone.

**THE DOCTOR. **In that case, I'm sure he enjoyed them.

**ROSE. **I didn't mean of me.

**THE DOCTOR. **(_clears throat_) We-ell! I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of Mickey Smith!

_Curtain. Flourish. End of Act One. Please buy some ice cream for yourself during the interval._

Next time: Scene One. The Idiot's Lantern._ (HMS Pinafore) _


	7. Act Two, Scene One

Act Two, Scene One. The Idiot's Lantern. (_HMS Pinafore_)

_Curtains reveal lots of lightning and thunder. A shop called Magpie's, filled with 1950s style televisions._

**MAGPIE. **I'm depressed, bankrupt, and have a Dickensian name but not enough character to really be interesting. Sigh. Listen to that sad music Murray Gold has composed for me.

_A TV comes on. A perfect '50s socialite appears._

**THE WIRE. **Yoo-hoo, Mr Magpie!

_Song. _**THE WIRE IS RAVENOUS (LITTLE BUTTERCUP) **(Gilbert/Sullivan)

**THE WIRE. **THE WIRE IS RAVENOUS, OH, I AM RAVENOUS

AND I AM CREEPY AS HELL,

SO FEED ME, I'M RAVENOUS—NOT SEXUALLY RAVENOUS,

DEPRAVENOUS; JUST AS WELL!

**MAGPIE. **I'M DREAMIN' THIS SURELY, FOR THIS PLOT IS PURELY

MARK GATISS; IT'S DEFINITELY HIM THROUGH

AND THROUGH. FACES GET STOLEN BY RACES

GASEOUS; EPHEMERAL, TOO.

_She appears to steal his face. He screams._

**MAGPIE. **PLEASE, WILL YOU GO SOON? I HAVEN'T ENOUGH ROOM

IN MY MIND FOR THIS MASSIVE HEADACHE.

**THE WIRE. **YOUR WORLD IS SO BUSY, I'M SENT IN A TIZZY

ON THESE POSTMODERN QUIPS I MUST MAKE.

SO FEED YOUR WIRE RAVENOUS; YES, I AM RAVENOUS

AND NOW I'LL ADD GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

IN CASE YOU HADN'T GOTTEN IT (OY, I AM RAVENOUS)

NOW TO THE DOCTOR'S GAMINE!

The **TARDIS **_lands. _**ROSE **_comes out wearing an obnoxiously pink poodle skirt._

_Song. _**WE SAIL THE GOOD SHIP TARDIS (WE SAIL THE OCEAN BLUE) **(Gilbert/Sullivan)

**ROSE. **WE SAIL THE GOOD SHIP TARDIS,

AND OUR SAUCY SHIP'S SWELL; WE

NOW THINK WE'RE DOWN IN NEW YORK

TO SEE ELVIS ON THE TELLY.

**THE DOCTOR **_comes out with his hair about ten feet high, with a permanently pained expression on his face._

**THE DOCTOR. **WITH MY HAIR SHELLACKED

I APPEAR THAT I'M ON CRACK—

**ROSE. **RUSSELL SAYS WE HAVE TO PAY

**THE DOCTOR. **EVENTUALLY; BUT FOR NOW

WE'RE ALL GIGGLES, SMILES—

**ROSE. **AND HOW!

**THE DOCTOR. **WE HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO PLAY.

You seem to have gotten over Mickey rather quickly.

**ROSE. **_You _seem to have gotten over Sarah Jane rather quickly. And Madame de Pompadour. _And—_

**THE DOCTOR **_disappears into the _**TARDIS. **_He rides out on a scooter._

**THE DOCTOR. **Hey, darlin', you goin' my way? (_she gets on the back of the scooter)_

**ROSE. **Is there any other way to go, Daddy-o? I thought we were headed for some, rrrworrr, chest hair.

**THE DOCTOR. **You want chest hair? I'll give you chest hair!

_They ride off into the sunset._

_In the _**CONNOLLY **_house, it's drab and twee, with father _**EDDIE, **_mother _**RITA, **_son _**TOMMY, **_and _**GRAN.**

_Song. _**CONNOLLY SONG (CAPTAIN'S SONG) **(Gilbert/Sullivan)

**EDDIE. **I AM THE LEADER OF THIS FAMILY!

**EVERYONE ELSE. **AND A RIGHT CRAP FATHER TOO!

**EDDIE. **I'M VERY, VERY LOUD

AND ALL I DO IS SHOUT

'CAUSE I'VE LITTLE ELSE TO DO.

**EVERYONE ELSE**.YOU'RE VERY, VERY LOUD

AND ALL YOU DO IS SHOUT

'CAUSE YOU'VE LITTLE ELSE TO DO..

**EDDIE**. I'M AN ARSEHOLE TO MY WIFE

_(to_** TOMMY**) AS FOR COLLEGE—NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

_(to _**RITA**) AND YOUR MOTHER'S A NO-BOD-Y.

WITH IMAGE I'M OBSESSED

AND THIS MUST BE ADDRESSED:

I'M PRACTICALLY A PARODY!

**EVERYONE ELSE**. WHAT? NO WAY!

**EDDIE. **YES WAY!

**EVERYONE ELSE. **WHAT? NO WAY!

**MARK GATISS. **WELL, JUST A LITTLE!

**ALL. **HE'S A BONAFIDE PARODY!

**EDDIE. **I'M A DURSLEY CLONE WORN DOWN TO MUSH—

CAN I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF HUSH?

'Ow many times do I have to tell you? I want all capitals when I speak! Do you hear me?! All capitals!!

**PARODY WRITER. **Then you'd be singing.

**EDDIE. **How dare you insinuate that I_ sing_!

_Everyone looks at him, including _**MARK GATISS **_who rubs the wall lovingly and then disappears upstairs._

**EDDIE. **Now, we've got to leave Gran alone to watch the television that I just bought rather randomly.

**TOMMY. **Why? So she can get ready to watch the Coronation?

**EDDIE. **No. So it can rot her brains out.

**TOMMY. **Will that help us understand the meaning of the title?

**EDDIE. **Don't think so, no.

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE **_whiz down the street on the scooter._

**ROSE. **Nice of you to have helmets.

**THE DOCTOR. **I'm all about protection.

**ROSE. **(_chuckles knowingly) _I'll bet you are. I don't think this is New York, Doctor.

**THE DOCTOR.** What makes you say that?

**ROSE**. The British flags. Durrrh. What's with all the TV antennae? Suddenly I've become full of random knowledge.

**MAGPIE **_comes out of his shop carrying TVs._

**THE DOCTOR. **What's going on?

**MAGPIE. **Where you been living at, the colonies?

**PARODY WRITER. **Ha ha.

**THE DOCTOR. **We've got to pretend to be really stupid so that teeny boppers will get whose coronation it is. That would make this 1953. The end of rationing. Elizabeth II.

**MAGPIE. **Yeah, um, go look over there.

_He scurries away. Men in black remove a woman with a towel over her head into a car._

**THE DOCTOR. **It's Catherine Tate!

**ROSE. **Oi, I'm still here!

**THE DOCTOR. **Er, yes. We'd better follow them to Operation Market Stall.

**ROSE. **What, like Indiana Jones?

**THE DOCTOR. **Exactamundo. Wait, I said I'd never say that again.

_They pursue anyway, caught at a dead end._

**THE DOCTOR. **Men in black, vanishing people … this is Churchill's England, not Hollywood! Think we'd better employ the domestic approach.

**ROSE. **Ie, the one that split us up in 1941 Blitz London, that left Captain Jack admiring my bottom and you pursued by gas mask children?

**THE DOCTOR. **That'd be the one.

_They drive to the _**CONNOLLY **_house._

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE. **Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

**EDDIE. **Who are you?

**THE DOCTOR. **The psychic paper solves all problems!

_They go inside the house._

_Song. _**THE ANNOYING SONG (WHEN I WAS A LAD) (**Gilbert/Sullivan)

**EDDIE. **COME ON RITA, STRING UP THOSE FLAGS

ROSE'S GOTTA USE 'EM IN SOME GAGS.

**RITA **_opens her mouth to say something to _**THE DOCTOR**

**EDDIE. **RITA TENDS TO RATTLE ON A BIT—I'M SURE—

**THE DOCTOR. **MAYBE SHE'D OUGHT TO BE RATTLE A BIT MORE?

I'M GOING TO SAY SOME OBSCURE REMARK

ABOUT THE QUEEN SO YOU'LL SHUFFLE OFF.

**ALL. **HE'S GOING TO SAY SOME OBSCURE REMARK

ABOUT THE QUEEN SO YOU'LL SHUFFLE OFF.

**EDDIE **_decorates. _**RITA **_stares at _**THE DOCTOR **_lovingly._

**RITA. **YOU ARE A DOCTOR, YOU DID SAY?

**THE DOCTOR. **WELL, YES, I GUESS YOU COULD PUT IT THAT WAY—

**RITA. **PLEASE HELP MY MOTHER—WE'VE LOCKED HER UPSTAIRS—

**EDDIE. **HA! I'VE CAUGHT YOU UNAWARES!

_THIS _IS _MY _HOUSE, AND I AM TALKING!!

**THE DOCTOR. **AND _I_AM BLOODY WELL NOT LISTENING!!!!

**ALL. **(_uneasily) _THIS IS HIS HOUSE, AND HE'S TALKING

AND HE'S NOT BLOODY WELL LISTENING . . .

**TOMMY. **He's kind of . . . scary, when he's angry, isn't he?

**ROSE. **Yeah.

**RITA. **But kind of hot, too.

**ROSE. **Nah. The hair kind of destroys it for me.

**THE DOCTOR **_runs up the staircase shouting incoherently. Everyone follows. _**GRAN **_comes out of the shadows with her face wiped off._

**CHILDREN OF BRITAIN. **Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

**THE DOCTOR. **It's like she's got a nylon stocking on her face with CGI imposed over it. I mean, it's like her brain's been wiped clean.

_The men in black storm in._

**THE DOCTOR. **I'VE GOT THREE IMPORTANT, BRILLIANT, TOO

COMPLICATED REASONS TO LISTEN FOR YOU—

_He is punched out._

**TOMMY. **What a wimp!

**GRAN **_is carried out._

**ROSE. **Oh, Doctor, wake up! I know, I'll thrust my bosom at him!

**THE DOCTOR. **Shouting incoherently—I think had too many Smarties!

_He jumps up and runs out of the house._

**THE DOCTOR. **I'm running off without youuuuuuuuu . . .

**ROSE **_examines the TV set._

**ROSE. **Oooh, look, there's only one Magpie on Earth let alone London, he should be easy to find!

**EDDIE. **You! Get the hell out!

**ROSE. **I have to resort to a really stupid exit line punctuated by a fake smile. (_looks up_) Shame on you!

**ROSE **_walks to _**MAGPIE**_'s._

**ROSE. **Sell me a TV, dammit.

**MAGPIE. **Sorry. We're all out.

**ROSE. **I'm gettin' myself into a dangerous situation. What's that?

**MAGPIE. **One of them modern programs. I shall now say something historical.

_He locks the door. _**THE WIRE **_fizzes to life._

**ROSE. **You're so old skool BBC, so incredibly PROP-AH.

**THE WIRE. **I'm actually a feral overfed alien pig. Let's be slightly Sapphist. _She steals _**ROSE**_'s face._ Good night children, everywhere.

**CHILDREN OF BRITAIN. **Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

**THE DOCTOR **_somehow manages to get inside the men in black's headquarters. He finds a pen of faceless people and then is hauled into _**DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR BISHOP**_'s office._

_Song. _**NOW TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW (REFRAIN, AUDACIOUS TAR) **(Gilbert/Sullivan)

**BISHOP.** NOW TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW

AND PUT ON YOUR GLASSES!

**THE DOCTOR **_does so._

**BISHOP. **I AM SO FLAT AND BLAND, YOU KNOW

WE WOULD NEED MASSES

OF WRITING TO MAKE ME LESS DULL.

WE'RE COMPLETELY LOST.

**THE DOCTOR.** WELL, FIRST THING'S FIRST, NUMBSKULL,

YOU HAVE TO CONCEDE THAT I'M THE BOSS!

**BISHOP**'_s _**ASSISTANT **_brings in _**ROSE.**

**BISHOP. **HE SAYS HE FOUND HER IN THE STREET—

DO YOU KNOW HER?

**THE DOCTOR. **OH, ROSE, MY DEAR, MY SWEET—

WHO DID THIS TO HER?

I'VE GOT TO WORK UP RAGE

SINCE I'VE CAUGHT THE SHOUT-

ING DISEASE AND TAKE A PAGE

FROM CONNOLLY'S BOOK. OUT!

_Startled, _**BISHOP **_leaves._

MY HEART WITH ANGUISH TORN—

I DON'T MIND SHOWING—

I MEANT TO SAY TWO HEARTS BEFORE …

**BISHOP **_returns with a cup of tea._

**THE DOCTOR. **Mmm, thank you.

NOW LET'S GET GOING!

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**BISHOP **_show up at the _**CONNOLL**_Y__house._

**THE DOCTOR. **Tommy, I need you.

**EDDIE. **_(to _**TOMMY) **Shut your face! You rat! How dare you! Grrrhrhhhhhrhrhrhr!

**THE DOCTOR.**looks intense

**TOMMY. **What are you going to do?

**THE DOCTOR. **Break and enter, lick things, you know, the usual.

**TOMMY. **'Kay.

**EDDIE. **But . . .? _They walk off without him._ It's all _your_ fault, you didn't let me shout at him in all capitals!!

_They break into _**MAGPIE**_'s shop._ **THE DOCTOR **_pounds on the bell._

**THE DOCTOR. **I am still really childish! (_rifles through drawesr; finds a portable TV and licks it) _Mmmm, Bakelite!

**BISHOP. **It's a portable television!

**THE DOCTOR. **Nah, it's an Etch-a-Sketch.

**TOMMY. **Look!

_The screens of the TVs show all the faceless people's disembodied faces._

**CHILDREN OF BRITAIN. **Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

**THE DOCTOR. **Rose! (_licks the screen_)

**TOMMY. **Does that taste like Bakelite, too?

**THE DOCTOR. **Erm, no.

**THE WIRE. **This one's smart as paint!

**THE DOCTOR. **Standard routine? You were exiled, no longer in corporeal form, but now you're going to use human energy to make yourself tangible?

**THE WIRE. **Yep.

**THE DOCTOR. **Well, it's a fairly inventive take on the whole spiel, I'll give you that.

_Song. _**THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM **(Gilbert/Sullivan)

**THE WIRE. **THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM;

(_of _**THE DOCTOR**) THIS ONE'S AS TASTY AS CREAM

I'LL HAVE LASHINGS OF HIM!

**PARODY WRITER. **Me too!

**THE WIRE. **AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN SKIMMED

**MAGPIE. **THE TOP,

OF OUR PLOT.

**THE WIRE **_appears to suck off _**THE DOCTOR's, TOMMY's, **_and _**BISHOP**'_s faces._** THE DOCTOR **_fights her off; _**MAGPIE **_escapes._

**TOMMY. **Where are we going?

**THE DOCTOR. **Shopping!!

**TOMMY. **What about Detective-Inspector Bishop?

**THE DOCTOR. **Didn't you listen to the song? He's expendable.

_They run to Alexandra Palace to the following:_

_Song. _**SHOPPING **(Page/Robertson)

**THE DOCTOR. **EV'RYTHING WILL ALWAYS BE ALL RIGHT

WHEN WE GO SHOPPING!

IT'S ALWAYS LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

SHOPPING NEVER ENDS

SHOPPING WITH OUR FRIENDS

AND THEN IT'S LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

WHEN WE GO SHOPPING!

Here, Tommy, do something. I'm climbing up this transmitter.

**TOMMY. **What if you fall?

**THE DOCTOR. **Like that's never happened before.

_At the _**CONNOLLY **_house, _**RITA **_and friends are watching the Coronation. _**EDDIE **_pounds weakly on the door._

**THE DOCTOR **_follows _**MAGPIE **_up the transmitter tower._

**THE WIRE. **I'LL MAKE SEMI-ORGASMIC SOUNDS

AS OUR LITTLE PLOT WINDS DOWN.

**MAGPIE**. NOW! YOU PROMISED ME MY PEACE!

MY REWARD FOR ALL THIS GRIEF . . .

**THE WIRE. **YES, I KNOW,

THAT IS SO.

_She fries him._

**THE DOCTOR. **THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM

NOW IT'S TIME TO END YOUR SCHEME

TAKE OVER EARTH IF YOU WILL;

YET YOU SHOULD KNOW I'VE LOOKS THAT KILL!

_He plugs in something, as does _**TOMMY **_on the other end. _**THE WIRE **_screams in anguish._

**THE WIRE. **I'm melting! I'm melting! Help me. I was just another alien life form trying to make an easy get away—have pity!

**THE DOCTOR. **SO YE BE,

FREQUENTLY.

_He climbs down off the tower. He and _**TOMMY **_head back to the _**CONNOLLY **_house._

_Inside, _**RITA **_hands _**EDDIE **_a suitcase._

**EDDIE. **(_relieved_) You're leaving me.

**RITA. **No! I'm a feminist way ahead of my time! You're leaving me.

_Song. _**NEVER MIND THE WHY AND WHEREFORE **(Gilbert/Sullivan)

**RITA**. NEVER MIND THE WHY AND WHEREFORE

THE DOCTOR CAME TO US AND THEREFORE

IT'S A HAPPY ENDING IN '53,

AND NOW WE'LL ALL PIG OUT.

**TOMMY. **IT'S GRAN! OH, MUM, COME SEE—

WHERE'S DAD GOT TO?

**RITA. ** I THREW HIM OUT!

**RITA, TOMMY, **_and _**GRAN. **RING THE MERRY BELLS OF TV

LET'S ALL HAVE A SPOT OF TEA!

**RITA**. SEND THE YOUNG MAN OFF TO UNI!

**RITA, TOMMY, **_and _**GRAN. **IT'S SWEET ENOUGH TO HURT YOUR TEETH!

**NEIGHBORS IN THE STREET. **LET THE AIR WITH JOY BE LADEN,

REND THE AIR WITH CIGGY SMOKE,

FOR THE RETURN OF THE MAIDEN

WITH THAT DOCTOR BLOKE!

**THE DOCTOR **_finds _**ROSE.** _They walk happily along the trestle tables erected in the streets jammed with food. He stuffs his face with cake._

**THE DOCTOR. **Mrrfgghsgrrffmmfffemmm.1

**ROSE. **What?

**THE DOCTOR. **I said, it's nice to see you back.

**TOMMY. **There's my dad. Should we tar and feather him?

**ROSE. **No, I think you should do something really inconclusive and dramatically weak—walk over to him and take his suitcase.

**TOMMY. **Does that mean I forgive him? Does that mean I'm going with him wherever he's going?

**ROSE. **It's a mystery.

**ALL**.CELEBRATE THE CORONATION

AND ACCEPT THIS EXPLANATION!

CELEBRATE THE CORONATION

AND ACCEPT THIS EXPLANATION!

**PARODY WRITER. **Now I want cake. Sigh.

Next week: Scene Two. The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit. (_Jekyll & Hyde_)

1 Translation: I think I liked you better without a mouth.


	8. Act Two, Scene Two

VII. Scene Two. The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit. (_Jekyll & Hyde_)

**THE TARDIS **_lands in a cupboard._

**THE DOCTOR. ** Rose, I feel uneasy. I think we should go explore.

**ROSE. **Sounds like a good plan to me. We are, after all, celebratin' human courage an' discovery an' all that in this story.

**THE DOCTOR. **That's right!

**ROSE. **Speakin' of the spirit of discovery, maybe we should head back to the TARDIS and so some "discoverin'" . . . in my bedroom.

**THE DOCTOR. **Welcome to Hell!

**ROSE. **Excuse me?! (_looks at the wall_) Oh, it's on the wall.

**THE DOCTOR. **(_squeaks_) Erm, so it is.

**ROSE. **That looks like Time Lord script.

**THE DOCTOR. **No, it doesn't.

**ROSE. **Yes, it does.

**THE DOCTOR. **No, it doesn't!

**ROSE. **It does, and I hear "Face of Boe"-like music playing, so _there! _

**THE DOCTOR. **Ahem! It's old. It's very very very old, perhaps even older.

**THE OOD **_appear._

**ROSE. **Doctor, what the 'ell are those scary-lookin' squid things?

**THE DOCTOR. **Now, Rose, I thought I'd taught you not to judge on appearances.

**THE OOD. **We must feed.

**ROSE. **What're they holding?

**THE DOCTOR. **Looks like a new version of the iPod.

**THE OOD. **We must feed.

**ROSE. **Aaaaaah, don't eat us! I'm armed with a yellow chair!

**THE OOD. **We must feed . . . you. Suckaz.

_Suddenly _**DANNY **_and _**JEFFERSON **_appear._

_Song. _**WE NEED TO KNOW (I NEED TO KNOW) **(Wildhorn Bricusse)

**DANNY. **WE NEED TO KNOW

THE NATURE OF THE PEOPLE WHO BROKE IIIN

**ZACH. **(_over com_)I NEED TO KNOW

WHY YOU ALL ARE MAKING SUCH A DIN!

**ROSE. **WHY ARE THEY, DOCTOR,

FREAKING OUT ON US?

(_of _**DANNY) **WHY IS HE PINCHING HIMSELF

AND THEN ME?

**JEFFERSON. **HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

YOU'D BETTER COME WITH US!

_He leads them through the base to the center._

**THE DOCTOR. **THE SET IS BLACK,

AND THE WRITING'S HACK—

**ROSE. **I CAN'T SEE! Hi, I'm Rose, and he's the Doctor.

**ZACH. **I NEED TO KNOW

WHY THIS GIRL AND THIS DOCTOR APPEARED

'CAUSE WE'RE WAY OUT

AND FOR YOU TO BE HERE IS REALLY WEIRD!

**ROSE. **What are all your names?

**ZACH. **Zach, Toby the wuss, Scooty the cute one, Ida the intense one, Danny the neurotic one, Jefferson the old guy, and various other incidental personnel. And the Ood.

**THE DOCTOR. **Ah. How succinct.

**JEFFERSON. **Isn't it? It's called Efficient Writing.

_Explosions._

**ZACH. **WE NEED TO THROW

THE VIEWER HEADFIRST INTO THE PLOT.

**ROSE. **THE CAMERA WANTS

TO GET A FEW MORE OF MY BUTT SHOTS.

**THE DOCTOR. **ONE THING IS CERTAIN—

THE SET UP IS RICHLY DONE—

**IDA. **DON'T YOU LOVE HOW WE

PUT THE SCIENCE BACK IN

TO SCIENCE FICTION,

ADJUSTING THE BALANCE—

**THE DOCTOR. **THOUGH YOU COULD EASE UP

ON THE MARATHON OF SIN.

I'm all for episodes that leave in some mystery, some reliance on faith. But did the interpretation have to be so literal?

**IDA. **Shhh, Doctor, you're ruining it!

**THE DOCTOR. **I NEED TO SEE HOW THIS ENIGMA CAN BE

GIVE ME COURAGE TO GO WHERE NO TIME LORD WILL GO

AND I WILL GO

I NEED TO KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.

**ROSE. **Wow, I didn't know you had it in you.

**THE DOCTOR. **Quiet. I'm trying to impress Ida.

_Explosion._

**ROSE. **What was that?

**THE DOCTOR. **Just the TARDIS going bye-bye. I mean . . . nothing. Let's hear some exposition about black holes. We should be dead.

**IDA. **Myths call this planet the Bitter Pill.

**ROSE. **Sounds like a good name for a rock band.

**THE DOCTOR. **I'm gonna hug you!

**ROSE. **(_delightedly_) Wot, me?

_He hugs _**ZACH.**

**ZACH. **Steady on, Juan Mann.

**ROSE. **Hey, Danny, tell me about the Ood.

**DANNY. **Basic slave race.

**ROSE. **That's shockin'!

**SCOOTY. **She's one of that lot. SPEW

**SCOOTY **_flashes a _Weasley Is Our King _badge._

**JEFFERSON. **I wanna start a war!

**ROSE. **I'm going to make fun of Toby. Snork.

**THE DOCTOR. **OMG! The TARDIS is gone!!

_Song. _**CRAP, WE ARE STUCK HERE (TAKE ME AS I AM) **(Wildhorn/Bricusse)

**ZACH. **SORRY, GUYS, BUT YOU ARE STUCK HERE

BEST I CAN DO IS GIVE YOU A LIFT BACK

**THE DOCTOR. **BUT THIS CAN'T BE—I CAN'T BELIEVE IT—

**ROSE. **WHERE'S THE TARDIS?

**THE DOCTOR. **THERE IS JUST NO KNOWING!

AND NOW DESPAIR TEARS ME, OH GEE . . .

**ROSE. **WHO CAN YOU TURN TO BUT ME?

**THE DOCTOR. **WE'RE STUCK HERE,

CRAP, WE ARE STUCK HERE.

**ROSE. **LOOK IN MY EYES, WHO DO YOU SEE THERE?

SOMEONE YOU KNOW? OR JUST A STRANGER?

IF YOU ARE WISE, YOU WILL SEE ME THERE!

**THE DOCTOR. **BUT I DON'T WANT A MORTGAGE!

**ROSE. **GOTTA SETTLE DOWN, GOTTA GET A HOUSE

PERHAPS YOU CAN BE MY SPOUSE!

**THE DOCTOR. **Ewwwww.

YOU KNOW HOW I AM!

THAT'S NOT HOW I AM!

I HATE BEING PINNED DOWN; I PERSPIRE AND PALL

AT THE THOUGHT OF A CARPET TO INSTALL!

**ROSE. **GIVE ME A HUG!

GIVE ME YOUR HEARTS!

SWEAR TO ME, WE'LL NEVER PART!

**THE DOCTOR. **(ER, DON'T THINK SO)

**ROSE. **THIS IS NOT SO BAD!

**THE DOCTOR. **(YOU DON'T THINK IT'S BAD?!)

**ROSE. **'CAUSE I'M STUCK WITH YOU.

**TOBY. **I'm going to be anti-social.

**SCOOTY. **Me too.

**MATT JONES. **I shall now blast "Bolero" for no apparent reason, really loud! Muhahahahahaha!

_In _**TOBY**_'s room._

**TOBY. **I hear voices. Should I turn around? _He does so. Alien language markings appear all over his skin._ Shit, who got a hold of a Sharpie? Was that you, Danny? You fetishist!

_Everyone else is in the main part of the base, watching as _**SCOOTY**_'s body flies eerily past. _**TOBY **_runs in, shocked._

_Song. _**SATAN, SATAN **(**MURDER, MURDER**) (Wildhorn/Bricusse)

**THE DOCTOR. **SHAME ABOUT THIS 'IDEOUS MURDER,

**ZACH. **PROFANE, RELIGIOUS MURDER!

THAT POOR YOUNG WOMAN.

WHAT A SHOCK!

**ROSE. **BUT TOBY'S NOT TO BLAME,

SEE, 'E'S TREMBLING FROM SHAME—

**TOBY. **THANK YOU, ROSE—

**PARODY WRITER. **WHAT A CROCK!

**IDA. **(_to _**THE DOCTOR**) DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

**DANNY. **THE OOD ARE ACTING ODD!

**ALL. **WHY SHOULD IT BE

THIS MYSTERY?

_The _**OOD **_are possessed._

**OOD. **The Beast will rise from the pit and make war on God.

**ALL EXCEPT DOCTOR. **SATAN, SATAN

IN THE NIGHT AIR

SATAN, SATAN

IT'S A NIGHTMARE

SATAN, SATAN

IT'S A RIGHT SCARE

IA BIT CHEESY

IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

**ZACH. **The drilling's stopped.

**IDA. **I wanna go down! Pick me, pick me!

**THE DOCTOR. **Me too! Pick me, pick me!

**ROSE. **Doctor!

**THE DOCTOR. **I wanna wear the orange spacesuit! Oooh, pick me!

**ZACH. **Oh, whatever.

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**IDA **_suit up_.

**ROSE. **Oh, let me kiss you at least. (_She licks his helmet, messily_)

_Back in the _**OOD **_quarters . . ._

**DANNY. **Aaaah, the Ood are staring at me! Malevolently.

**ZACH. **(_on the com_) Think you can take being stared at?

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**IDA **_land on the planet's surface._

**THE DOCTOR. **Oooh, look, the Mines of Moria.

**IDA. **Oooh, look, I'm standing on Aztec gold.

**OOD. **SATAN, SATAN

READS YOUR BRAAAAIN

SATAN, SATAN

'CAUSE YOU PAAAIN

SATAN, SATAN

HAS US SCREAMIN'

**ALL EXCEPT DOCTOR. **WE ARE FREAKED

ALL RIGHT!

**THE DOCTOR. **SATAN, SATAN

BUT WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

SATAN, SATAN?

IT'S BIZARRE, YOU

SATAN, SATAN

YOU DON'T SCARE ME

IN THE NIGHT

IN THE NIGHT . . .

**OOD. **Bad news from God, Doctor! Muhahahahahahaha!

**JEFFERSON**. THE BASE HAS GOT A FREAKY KILLER ON BOARD

**ZACH**. HE GOT SCOOT-Y

**DANNY**. AND NOW THE OOD ARE ACTING KIND OF ODD

**ZACH**. GROW UP, DANN-Y

**THE DOCTOR. **HE'LL GET US IF WE LET HIM

WE'VE GOT TO MOVE AGAINST HIM

I KNOW A WAY TO NET HIM—

**DANNY. **HOW?

**OOD. **SATAN!

**ALL. **IN THE NIGHT

IN THE NIGHT!

(SATAN, SATAN)

_Song. _**GET OFF YOUR BUTT- AND DO SOME WORK (YOUR WORK- AND NOTHING MORE) **(Wildhorn/Bricusse)

**ROSE. **GET OFF YOUR BUTT –

AND DO SOME WORK

LOOK AT THIS TIME

THAT WE ARE WASTING!

WE'RE MEN NOT MICE;

WE CANNOT SHIRK

OUR DUTY—NOW

WE MUST BE HASTY.

**DANNY. **BUT WE'VE NO PLAN

JUST SNIVELLING JOE (_indicates _**TOBY**)

AND YOUR BLEEDIN' HEART

WILL LET HIM LIVE, SO

**ZACH. **THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG

**IDA. **(_from planet) _I FEAR THE WORST—

IT'S LIKE WHEN HOPE DIES.

**ROSE. **I, WHO HAVE KNOWN

HIM FOR SO LONG,

I DON'T SEE

WHERE THE PATH LIES . . .

_The _**OOD **_start chasing the humans._

**ROSE.OOD.**

THERE WAS A TIMEWE

I LIVED MY LIFEARE

AND I NEVER THOUGHTCOMING

OF SOMETHIN' BIGGER

**DANNY. **I'VE GOT A PLANTO GET

WE'LL USE A TACKYOU, NOTHING

THAT'S TECHNICAL--MORE.

**TOBY. **CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

**DANNY. **WE'VE GOT TO CRAWLDON'T

**ROSE. **ON KNEES AN' ALL?FIGHT

I'VE GOT TO STARETHE

AT DANNY'S BEHIND?BEAST.

YOU

**TOBY. **I'LL MAKE A CRACKDON'T WHAT

THAT YOUR BUM'S NOTYOU'RE LIVING FOR . . .

WORTH LOOKING AT—

**ROSE. **Oi!

_They crawl through the service tunnels._ _On the planet . . ._

**IDA. **THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE**THE DOCTOR. **JUST KEEP CALM

UNLESS I'M A WIMPYOU'RE A SCIENTIST

I'M FREAKING OUT,

'S NOT LIKE ME

TO FEAR AND DOUBT.

**THE DOCTOR. **YOUR SPECIES'S BRAVE**IDA. **AM I CHASING

DREAMS

DON'T BE A FLAKEI'LL NEVER FIND?

THE PROBLEM'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!

**ZACH. ROSE.IDA.**

YOU HAVE YOUR WORK-- GOT TO GET OUT,THE CABLE . . .

OFFICER SCOTT--SEPARATION ONLY ADDS

CAN YOU HEAR ME?TO MY FRUSTRATION

WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?AND HE'S IN

DANGER . . .

DOCTOR . . .

**DANNY.ZACH.**

PLEASE, WE'VE NO TIME!OKAY, OKAY, ERGH—

I ASK NO MORE—GOTTA AERATE—

IS IT A CRIMEHERE COME THE OOD

TO WANT TO LIVE ON?AND ALL I'VE GOT IS

A BOLT GUN WITH ONE BOLT!

**IDA.ZACH.JEFFERSON.**

WHAT'S DOWN THERE?GET OUT, MAN,SIR, I KNOW—

I MUST KNOW!MOVE FASTER, GIVING

I'M THE QUINT-I'VE GOT TOTHE REST TIME

ESSENTIALAERATE THEN SEAL!TO GET OUT!

EXPLORER . . .

**TOBY.DANNY/** **ROSE. ZACH.THE DOCTOR.**

OH MY GODOH MY GODMY GODIF YOU LIVE A LONG

GET ME OUTTHEY GOT HIMITIME LOTS OF PEOPLE I

THEY'RE … ME …HE'S … GONE …CAN'T FIND TEND TO

GET ME OUTCAN'T BELIEVE HEDEALDIE ON YOU

THANKS GUYSGAVE HISWITHAND YOU CAN

I ALMOST LIFE FOR USTHISDO NOTHING AND THE

DIED THEREI WILL NOTJOB TRUTH IS

(YET I'MFORGET THISTHRUSTTHAT I'M ALL

SO FALSEFIND OUR WAYFIND OURABOUT

AND SHARPIFIED.)FIND OUR WAY!WAY!ANGST!

**PARODY WRITER. **Phew!

**DANNY, ROSE, **_and _**TOBY **_rush to enact the virus to neutralize the _**OOD. **_On the planet . . ._

_Song. _**LOST IN THE DARKNESS **(Wildhorn/Bricusse)

**THE DOCTOR. **LOST IN THE DARKNESS

SILENCE SURROUNDS YOU

ONCE I WAS CERTAIN

NOW I'M NOT SURE

**IDA. **D'YOU THINK YOU CAN REACH IT?

CAN YOU GIVE ME A SPEECH—IT

MUST BE INSPIRING BECAUSE THIS LOOKS BLEAK!

**THE DOCTOR. **I _WILL _FIND THE ANSWER—

**IDA. **I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE!

**THE DOCTOR. **I KNOW. BUT NOW I'M GONNA JUUUUUUUUMP . . .

_He does so. He breaks the glass of his helmet. He tries the com._

**THE DOCTOR. **I hope you're getting this, Ida. (_he turns_) Who the hell are you?

**MAL REYNOLDS. **Hold it right there, partner. I ain't in the habit of having my identity demanded when there's a stranger doing the demanding.

**THE DOCTOR. **But who are you? And how can you be here?!

**MAL. **I was askin' myself the self-same question, and then I came upon it.

**THE DOCTOR. **You're the Beast?

**MAL. **I been called worse things. Nah, just a little mixed up. Heard familiar-type music that 'ccompanies me on my travels. Think if I head back in the direction I came from, I'll be back to my ship in a jiffy.

**THE DOCTOR. **Your ship?

**MAL. **_Serenity._

**THE DOCTOR. **You haven't seen a big blue box, have you?

**MAL. **What's that?

**THE DOCTOR. **_My _ship.

**MAL. **Might've seen it a few yards back, hard to tell with all this _gorram _darkness. Well, I'm gonna be on my way now before the parody writer's brain pan goes all silly again. Best of luck to you.

**THE DOCTOR. **Thanks. Ida, I think I'm suffering oxygen deprivation . . . I'm having hallucinations.11

**ZACH, DANNY, **_and _**TOBY **_try to convince _**ROSE **_to leave._

**ROSE. **But I can't leave him! We've been through so much together! The entirety of the _Kama Sutra . . . _

**ZACH. **Rose, I hate to have to do this to you. (_he punches her_) Least that shut her up. Come one.

_Under the surface of the planet._

**THE DOCTOR. **I wonder what these pretty vases do. Oh.

**THE BEAST **_appears._

_Song. _**CONFRONTATION **(Wildhorn/Bricusse)

_On board the ship, _**ROSE **_is strapped in. _**TOBY **_laughs maniacally._

**TOBY **(_to himself_). DO YOU REALLY THINK

THAT I WOULD EVER LET YOU GO?

DO YOU THINK I'D EVER SET YOU FREE?

IF YOU DO I'M SAD TO SAY

IT SIMPLY ISN'T SO

YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY FROM ME!

**THE DOCTOR. **ALL THAT YOU ARE

IS A BADLY DRAWN PIXEL!

I SHORT THE CGI AND YOU DISAPPEAR!

**THE BEAST. **I'M GOOD ENOUGH

FOR THE STUFF IN LOTR22!

UNIMAGINATIVE, BUT I'M STILL HERE!

**THE DOCTOR. **ALL THAT YOU ARE

IS A "DAEMONS" REPEAT!

ALL THAT YOU ARE IS A BAD CLICHÉ!

IN A MINUTE,

I SHALL FLY AWAY!

**THE BEAST. **I MAY BE CLICHED, MY FRIEND,

BUT THIS WILL NEVER END.

UNLESS YOU HURL A ROCK, CAVEMAN-STYLE!

I SHALL KILL ROSE

NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY PRETEND

AND YOUR DIRTY INNUENDO IS VILE!

**THE DOCTOR. **I DON'T NEED YOU TO SURVIVE

LIKE YOU NEED ME—

I'LL STAY HERE

AND TRAPPED YOU'LL BE—

OH NO, THAT MEANS

TOBY MUST GO FREE!

**THE BEAST. **IT'S THE CHOICE OF A SEASON!

**THE DOCTOR. **No!

**THE BEAST. **ALTHOUGH IT'S ONE YOU'VE HAD BEFORE—

**THE DOCTOR. **. . . Maybe . . .

**THE BEAST. **AND I KNOW THAT NOW AND FOREVER

YOU'LL NEVER ENDANGER

THE GIRL THAT YOU LOVE!

**ROSE **_sees _**TOBY **_being Sharpified. She takes out the bolt gun._

**THE DOCTOR. **BUT YOU SEE

SHE'S NOT A WIMP,

YOU SUCKAH!

_He smashes the vases._

**THE BEAST. **NO, NOT I!

ONLY YOU!

_The ship starts getting sucked into the black hole. _**ROSE **_shoots the window._

**ROSE. **GO TO HELL,

GO TO HELL!

**TOBY. **WHAT ARE YOU—

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

_He's sucked out._

**THE BEAST. **NO! NEVER!

**THE DOCTOR. **YES, FOREVER.

**ZACH. **Oh crap, we're going into a black hole.

**PARODY WRITER. **They did not go into a black hole. The Doctor found the TARDIS, saved Ida, towed the ship, felt sorry for the Ood, exchanged Rose for Ida, and later had tea and biscuits. The end.

Eventually … Scene Three. Love & Monsters. (_Titanic_)

11 Be sure to stay tuned for "The Ballad of Bad Wolf," this author's crossover fan fic based on "Bad Wolf" / "The Parting of the Ways" meets _Firefly. _

22 _Lord of the Rings, _obviously.


	9. Scenes Three and Four

Before you think you missed a few, let me explain that I'd just seen "Army of Ghosts"/"Doomsday" on TV, right before I went to London to see _Phantom of the Opera_With _Phantom _easily accessible in my head and the two episodes easily accessible in memory, I decided to strike while the iron was hot. Of course, that was two weeks before I wrote this.

I intend to go back and write the ones for "Love & Monsters" and "Fear Her," but I don't see it happening any time in the near future. Sorry.


	10. Act Two, Scene Five

Scene Five. Army of Ghosts/Doomsday (_Phantom of the Opera_)

_A bare expanse of south Wales coast._

_Song. _**THIS IS HOW I DIED (LITTLE LOTTE) **(Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)

**ROSE. **THIS IS THE PLANET EARFF

THIS IS WHERE I WAS BORN

FOR NINETEEN YEARS, NUFFINK HAPPENED,

NUFFINK AT ALL.

THIS IS HOW I DIED,

THIS IS HOW I DIED . . .

**ROSE **_appears on stage alone. Blackout._

**RUSSELL T DAVIES. **Roll five-second clip of Ninth Doctor.

_In a five-second clip, the Ninth Doctor grabs _**ROSE**'s _hand._

**THE DOCTOR **_stands next to _**ROSE **_in a magically paleolithic landscape._

**THE DOCTOR. **How long you gonna stay with me?

**ROSE. **Forever.

**THE DOCTOR. **Err . . .

**ROSE. **Wot?

**THE DOCTOR. **Never mind. Look at all the pretty scenery . . .

**ROSE. **No, wot?

**THE DOCTOR. **Forever? Come on, Rose, ol' buddy, ol' pal—you know I'm a Time Lord. Remember Sarah Jane?

**ROSE. **'Course. 'Course I know. Just have to act doomed and tragically romantic to add weight to our star-cross'd lovers' plight.

**THE DOCTOR. **Ah.

**THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE **_land outside the Powell Estate. They make their way into _**JACKIE**_'s flat._

**ROSE. **Look, Mum, I got you somefink—

_She tries to hand it to _**JACKIE, **_but her mom flings the trinket aside and throws herself on _**THE DOCTOR.**

**JACKIE. **You lovely big man!

**THE DOCTOR. **Put me down! And make some tea.

**JACKIE. **Sexist alien pig, I'll show you. My dad's coming in about five minutes. Nyeh.

**ROSE. **He's dead.

**JACKIE. **I know.

**ROSE. **So you dug him up or wot?

_A shadowy figure appears in the kitchen._

_Song. _**LOTS OF GHOSTS (THINK OF ME) **(Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)

**JACKIE. **LOTS OF GHOSTS,

LOTS OF GHOSTS SHOWING

UP IN EV'RY LAND!

**THE DOCTOR. **LOTS OF GHOSTS,

BUT YOU'RE NOT FREAKING

OUT—DON'T UNDERSTAND!

**JACKIE. **WE WERE SCARED AT FIRST

BUT NOW IT'S PAT—

YOU SEE, IT'S ON TV … (_indicates the news_)

**THE DOCTOR. **SINCE WHEN DID GHOSTS HAVE SHIFTS?!

**JACKIE. **COME OUTSIDE AND SEE!

_Interlude. "Father's Day" music._ **THE DOCTOR **_and _**ROSE **_observe many shadowy figures._

**THE DOCTOR. **Duhhhhrrrr! You're imagining it all. Besides, these things don't even look like ghosts. Vaguely humanoid figures, I'll grant you, perhaps men wearing lycra suits with ping pong balls attached.

_He puts on his glasses._

**JACKIE. **You're mean! I hate you!

**THE DOCTOR. **Now, now, Baby Jackie . . .

**JACKIE **_and _**ROSE **_run inside._

**JACKIE. **LOOK AT YOU,

LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER,

NOTICE HOW SHE'S CHANGED!

**ROSE. **SO WHAT, MUM?

I USED TO BE A SHOP GIRL,

THIS IS A POSTIVE EXCHANGE!

CUT THE CRAP,

THIS WRITING DON'T MAKE SENSE—

**JACKIE. **I'M JUST SETTING UP FOR TEARS!

CONSIDER THE AGE DEMOGRAPHIC—

THEY ARE ALL YOUR PEERS!

**ROSE **_runs back outside with _**THE DOCTOR.**

**ROSE. **COULD IT BE,

COULD IT BE, DOCTOR--?

What about the Gelth?

**THE DOCTOR. **DON'T THINK SO,

I'M TOUCHED, THOUGH,

THAT YOU REMEMBER—

**ROSE. **IT'S FOR THE FANS.

**JACKIE **_joins them again as _**THE DOCTOR **_sets up something to trap the ghosts._

**THE DOCTOR. **LET'S GET THIS TRIANGULATED . . .

**JACKIE. **DON'T UNDERSTAND . . .

**WILL COHEN. **A BIT SLY,

**PARODY WRITER. **BECAUSE TO MY EYE

THEY HAVEN'T GOT A CYBER-SHAPE—

**THE DOCTOR. **GHOST SHIFT YOUR HEARTS OUT, BITCHEZ—

I'M ON MY WAY, NO MISTAAAAA

AAAAAAA

(_cadenza_)

MISTAKE!

**JACKIE. **Wow. At what point in your former lives did you become a castrato, Doctor?

**ROSE. **He's not a castrato!

**JACKIE. **Oh yeah? Prove it!

**ROSE **_grabs the top of _**THE DOCTOR**'_s trousers and starts to pull. He screams and runs away, _**ROSE **_and _**JACKIE **_in hot pursuit. _**THE TARDIS **_takes off. _**ROSE **_finally catches up with _**THE DOCTOR **_who is panting in the Control Room._

**THE DOCTOR. **Okay . . . okay . . . you win. You can get into my trousers any . . .

_She grabs him and shakes him._

**ROSE. **Doctor! My mum's still on board!

**THE DOCTOR. **Well, she can get in my trousers any . . .

**ROSE. **Doctor!!

**THE DOCTOR. **This is still kids' TV, isn't it? I can't say things like that.

**MARY WHITEHOUSE. **I should say not!

**THE DOCTOR. **What are we going to do?

**ROSE. **Better grab her, makes some cracks about her age, and pretend she's me. Where are we going, by the way?

_Meanwhile, at Canary Wharf . . ._

_Song. _**TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS (ANGEL OF MUSIC) **(Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)

**YVONNE. **TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS,

MY NAME IS YVONNE.

I'M BUXOM AND I'M BITCHY.

I'M ARROGANT,

AND NATIONALISTIC;

I BELONG ON AL MURRAY.

**ADEOLA. **MY NAME'S NOT MARTHA—HER COUSIN;

**GARETH. **AND I AM GARETH, PINK SHIRT.

**ADEOLA. **GOD, I AM BORED, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,

**GARETH. **AND IN DARK CORRIDORS FLIRT!

_They run out to plastic-covered corridors. They scream. Interlude: Cyberman music from "Tomb of the Cybermen."_

**YVONNE **_pages _**DR RAJ.**

**YVONNE. **YO, RAJ, HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT'S THE SPHERE DOING?

_Down in the basement, _**DR RAJ **_responds while staring at a massive metallic sphere._

**DR RAJ. **READING PORN—I MEAN, UM,

SUDOKU—HERE—

I'M DOING SUDOKU.

_(looks sadly up at the sphere_) CAN'T WE AFFORD BETTER FX?

_Upstairs, _**THE DOCTOR, ROSE, **_and _**JACKIE **_are transported to Torchwood Tower._

**YVONNE. **DOCTOR, SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

**THE DOCTOR. **YOU'VE HEARD OF ME, THEN?

**YVONNE. **INDEED!

WHERE IS YOUR COMPANION?

**THE DOCTOR. **SHE'S RIGHT HERE—

_He grabs _**JACKIE**. _Meanwhile in _**THE TARDIS, ROSE **_hides and goes through _**THE DOCTOR**_'s pocket._

**THE DOCTOR. **A BIT CHAV, I CONCEDE!

**YVONNE. **TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS,

WE WON'T GO METRIC—

**THE DOCTOR. **HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE?!

**YVONNE. **ENOUGH—WE'RE BAD ASS—**ROSE. **I'LL DON THIS DISGUISE AND . . .

SHOT DOWN THE SYCORAX—OOH, WHAT'S THIS IN HIS POCKET?!

NOW COME ALONG DOCTOR AND CHAV!OOH, SQUISHY, SQUISHY—

FOCUS, YOU NEED PSYCHIC PAPER!

**YVONNE. **So you see, Doctor, we've found this crack in the void, the sphere came through, then the ghosts. Pretty snazzy, innit?

**THE DOCTOR. **How dare you rip further into the fabric of the void?! Oooh, look at this pretty glass . . . Happy happy joy joy . . .

_He uses the sonic screwdriver to break the glass._

**YVONNE. **You childish little man.

**THE DOCTOR. **What's the point in being grown up--?

_She hits him._

**THE DOCTOR. **Guess you've heard that one before.

ANY CHANCE FOR

A CUP OF TEA . . .**YVONNE. **THEY SAID YOU

I'M GETTING LIKED TO MAKE A

QUITE COMFY . . . MESS

**JACKIE. **I'M FRIGHTENED!

**ADEOLA & GARETH. **DON'T BE FRIGHTENED . . .

_Downstairs, _**ROSE **_slips into the lab where _**DR RAJ **_is still staring at the sphere._

**ROSE. **Because I look so convincing in my white lab coat, I'll go ahead and flash my physic paper at you.

**DR RAJ. **This paper is blank. Suckah.

**MICKEY. **Hands off, Doc.

**ROSE. **Mickey! It's good to see you! (_licks his ear_) What are you doing here? How did you get here? What are you doing wiv that big gun?

**MICKEY. **You're supposed to say, is that a big gun or are you just happy to see me?

_Song. _**MYSTERY (NOTES) **(Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)

**ROSE. **MYSTERY, WHAT'S INSIDE THAT SPHERE?

_Upstairs, _**ADEOLA **_and _**GARETH **_have been possessed and started up the ghost shift. _**CYBERMEN **_appear._

**THE DOCTOR. **OH MY GOODNESS, OH, CYBERMEN ARE HERE!

BAD NEWS ON TORCHWOOD'S WATCH—

**YVONNE. **WOW, I THINK I NEED A SCOTCH—

**MICKEY. **I'LL PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN THEM—

**THE DOCTOR. **IT'S THIS PLANET'S REQUIEM . . .

_Downstairs _**DALEKS **_appear from the sphere._

**ROSE. **The Daleks! And somefink called a Genesis Ark.

**MICKEY. **Ha.

**DR RAJ. **WHAT THE HECK IS A DALEK?

**ROSE. **TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

(_to a _**DALEK**) I WAS BAD WOLF, BITCH—

YEAH, YOU'D BETTER TWITCH!

**DALEK. **EXTERMINATE! GIVE US DATA

OR WE'LL AFRAID YOU—

**ROSE & MICKEY. **NO!

**THE DALEKS **_squish _**DR RAJ**_'s head._

_Outside, _**CYBERMEN **_infiltrate people's houses._

**CYBERMEN. **. . . Cybermen will remove sex . . .

**HUMANS. **Oh, man!

THE **CYBERMEN **_and the _**DALEKS **_face off._

**DALEKS. **INCREDIBLE, THAT WE'VE NEVER MET!

**CYBERMEN. **YES, INCREDIBLE—WILL YOU BE OUR PET?

**DALEKS. **WE THINK NOT—THIS IS PEST CONTROL

WE'RE THE BEST—

**CYBERMEN.**THIS IS FOLDEROL!

**THE DOCTOR. **A CHILDISH CONFRONTATION HERE—

**PETE **_shows up, with _**JAKE **_and various other Cybermen-fighters._

**PETE TYLER. **I THINK THAT WE WILL INTERFERE!

_The _**CYBERMEN **_and _**DALEKS **_destroy each other. _**PETE **_grabs _**THE DOCTOR **_and they disappear back across the void to the parallel world._

**THE DOCTOR. **Hmm. This looks like a compound in Utah.

**PETE. **Wouldn't know.

**THE DOCTOR. **You should, like, save your wife.

**PETE. **My wife in a parallel universe.

**THE DOCTOR. **And Rose is like your daughter.

**PETE. **Why don't you suggest we save Yvonne?

**PETE **_takes _**THE DOCTOR **_back to the other world._

**THE DOCTOR. **That slapper?! I mean— Stop doing that!

**PETE. **I'm a poster boy for global warming. Seal up the cracks, Doctor.

**THE DOCTOR. **I knew you when you were dead. What Time Lord technology?

THE **DALEKS **_fly through the air above London._

**DALEKS. **COME FLY WITH ME

LET'S FLY, LET'S FLY AWAY . . .

_The Genesis Ark spits out a bunch of _**DALEKS.**

**THE DOCTOR. **Oh. How clever of the Time Lords to make something so distinctly Dalek-shaped. Fall of Arcadia, blah, blah, blah—the Time War and all that jazz.

**JACKIE **_and _**PETE **_meet, face to face._

**JACKIE. **Pete Tyler! The—other—Pete Tyler. How rich are you? (_jumps him_)

**THE DOCTOR. **I did not need to see that.

**ROSE. **Doctor, what's the Cult of Skaro?

**THE DOCTOR. **Something RTD made up after one too many in the Uplands Tavern. More to the point, is that the same group of Welsh extras made to cower as the Cybermen tromp around?

**ROSE. **Yes, I think so.

**THE DOCTOR. **Well, I hope they're at least being well-paid.

**ROSE. **Free tickets to John Barrowman's pantomime, I think.

**THE DOCTOR. **Oooooh!

**PETE. **The problem at hand, people!

**THE DOCTOR **_puts on the 3-D glasses._

_Song. _**VOID STUFF BECKONS (MUSIC OF THE NIGHT) **(Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)

**THE DOCTOR. **VOID STUFF BECKONS,

SEE IT WITH THESE GLASSES—

**PETE. **SO YOU OPEN UP THE GHOST SHIFT,

VOID-TRAPPING ALL THEIR ARSES?

JACKIE, YOU MUST GET OUT—

**JACKIE. **I THINK THIS ONE I'LL SIT OUT—

**THE DOCTOR. **I WILL STAY HERE AND CLOSE THE VOID FROM THIS END

**ROSE. **YOU WANT ME TO GO, TOO? WHEN I AM JUST YOUR— BEST FRIEND

**THE DOCTOR. **TURN YOUR THOUGHTS AWAY

FROM LIFE WITH ME—IT'S _TRÈS _

LUDICROUS TO THINK WE CAN MAKE IT WORK

**ROSE. **I'M STAYING HERE, GET THROUGH YOUR HEAD, YOU JERK!

THE **CYBERMAN-YVONNE **_starts shooting pursuing _**CYBERMEN.**

**PARODY WRITER. **Yvonne—WTF? Sigh, I thought I was going to write in a scene that allowed me to at least muss the Doctor's hair, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. Oh well.

**JACKIE. **BUT YOU CAN'T, ROSE, YOU ARE MY ONLY DAUGHTER!

**ROSE. **MUM, I'VE HAD NINETEEN YEARS—THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!

**JACKIE. **ROSE, HOW COULD YOU—

**ROSE. **YEAH, MUM, WELL, THAT'S JUST TOUGH—

I FAVOR FAN FICTION THAT IS FLUFF.

**PETE **_grabs _**JACKIE **_and takes her back with him and _**MICKEY. ****THE DOCTOR **_opens the void, sucking all the _**DALEKS **_and _**CYBERMEN **_away. _**ROSE **_gets sucked in, too._

**THE DOCTOR. **KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! I mean . . . ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSE!

_Back on the beach._

**ROSE. **This is how I died. I cried so much my eyes swelled shut.

_Song. _**WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW HERE AGAIN **(Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)

**ROSE. **I WAS ONCE YOUR ONE COMPANION,

YOU WERE ALL THAT MATTERED.

WE SAVED THE WORLD SIX BILLION TIMES—

THEN MY WORLD WAS SHATTERED.

WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW HERE AGAIN,

WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW NEAR.

DREAMING OF YOU WON'T HELP ME TO DO

ALL THAT YOU DREAMED I COULD

THEN THE RIFT OPENED UP IN NORWAY

WE DROVE UP TO BAD WOLF BAY.

IN MONTHS I HAVEN'T STOPPED CRYING.

AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

There are five of us now. I could have said, "guess what, Mum's having a baby," but I didn't, because that wouldn't give you the opportunity to think I'd had one, with Mickey. Thus giving the viewers the opportunity to think I'd had one, with you.

**THE DOCTOR. **My head hurts, trying to wrap around that one. Well, back in my universe you're officially one of the dead.

**ROSE. **How very existential.

**THE DOCTOR. **And leaves you open to sign for a movie deal in the distant future.

**ROSE. **Doctor, I love you!

**THE DOCTOR. **Duhhrrr . . . .

_He disappears._

**ROSE. **NO MORE WANDERING,

IV'E SETTLED DOWN WITH KIN.

NO MORE THINKING ABOUT

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN . . .

HELP ME SAY GOODBYE . . .

HELP ME SAY GOODBYE!

_Song. _**MASQUERADE **(Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)

_In _**THE TARDIS.**

**THE DOCTOR. **IT WAS FUN,

WHILE IT LASTED IT WAS FUN.

NOW IT'S DONE,

I'LL HIDE AWAY SO THE WORLD WILL NEVER—

WHAT?!

**THE BRIDE **_appears._

**THE BRIDE. **'Ooo the hell are you?

**THE DOCTOR. **What?!!

**EVERYONE. **Damn, that was a good ending.

**THE DOCTOR. **NOW AND THEN, WE BAWL A BIT IN THIS SHOW—

IT'S OVER NOW, THE SAGA THAT WAS ROSE!

_Curtain call. Orchestra plays exit music. Buy a souvenir program on the way out._


End file.
